catch up and k-y jelly.

I lost my blog mojo, everyone. I thought I'd found it, and I came back a few weeks ago with much gusto and an agenda. But then Life threw up in my face and I lost my blog mojo again. I had nothing to write about, except to stick up meme after meme, which I refuse to do. I mean, if I'm going to keep a public journal and air my dirty laundry for possible global consumption, I'm going to do it in 90% paragraph form. It's the only way.

That's all I can say. I'm playing catch up on your blogs, currently. I will leave comments when I feel sufficiently re-acclimated. If you're especially lucky, I may just leave one comment, by blogging in one of your comment sections, and leaving you the mother of all commentaries. I'm going to get pretty annoyed if someone doesn't nominate me for 20 different Pulitzers after that.

We have six more days of school left. Small school age children are crazed with the smells of spring, warm air and rain on their little upturned faces, the knowledge summer is near. We've had Field Day (after two rain cancellations), one crazy windstorm/3 hour electricity outage I was sure would send us home early (alas, I'm not in charge of Smart School Decisions), survived the end of year Big Test, registered several handfuls of 2009 Kindergarteners (using our very own shock and awe campaign techniques), and currently we're (translation: I'm) just taking it day by day until May 20. Breathing in deeply, breathing out slowly. Searching for my center of Zen, repeating affirmations such as: "Punk behavior says more about the punk than you" and "You are the adult, BE the adult."

Last Saturday, Melissa and I went to a local artist festival--festivals are one of my favorite things. I like the smells, looking at all the stuff for sale by people who are far craftier than I am. I usually buy some popcorn and find a nice spot for people watching, and if I'm really lucky I get to eavesdrop on the most interesting stories.

This year, I didn't hear any interesting stories. Just that the credit card machines weren't working and it was frustrating some artists. And the artists made me sad--not one made eye contact with me or returned my greeting when I visited their booth. Even with a cute baby in my stroller. You have to be pretty stoic not to smile at a cute, sleeping baby, I think. I decided (I think I decided this when I was at the empty wine bottle yard art that would totally make my 85 year old neighbor Ms. W's eyes pop out of her head and jowls start shaking in angry indignation while she placed indignant phone calls to the HOA board and the local county ordinance people about me putting my empty wine bottles in my front yard) to leave the Artist Area and head off into the downtown area shops to see what they suggested for Mother's Day.

And thank goodness I did: I found many unique shops and loaded up on Mother's Day gifts. Eye contact was made, friendly greetings exchanged. Melissa made new friends everywhere. And, even better? I discovered an innovative use for K-Y Jelly. Score!

A fine example of why you should help revitalize your local downtown area:

Cute Shop Owner No. 1: Aw! What a handsome little boy! What's his name?

Me: Thank you. It's Melissa.

Cute Shop Owner No. 1: Oh, goodness gracious! I'm so sorry! It's a girl?

Me: It's okay--it's hard to tell when they're this little.

Cute Shop Owner with the Thick Southern Paula Deen Accent: Well, Helen! Look at her pink socks! Why on earth would a mama put pink socks on a boy??

Cute Shop Owner No. 1: Well, I didn't know! I don't look at socks! You're the only one I know of who even notices other people's socks. Heaven's sake.

Cute Shop Owner with the Thick Southern Paula Deen Accent: (seizing business opportunity) Sweetpea, why don't y'all come on over here and take a look at this table. We've got all kinds of cute little shirts and onesies for little babies that'll fix that. How about this one? We can print "GIRL" on it. Ooh! Look at this one, with the teddy bear! That'd be real cute on her.

Cute Shop Owner No. 1: Debbie, pay attention! That teddy bear has a BLUE bow on him.

Cute Shop Owner with Short Hair: Y'all, it don't even matter. People just think whatever they want. (turning to me) Honey, when I was a baby I was bald like an eagle. Mama used to glue pink bows to my head with K-Y Jelly and that didn't make one dang bit of difference. People still called me a little boy. I'm surprised I don't have a complex. I've been divorced twice.

I didn't buy the teddy bear with a blue bow shirt, but Melissa and I did get a very cute magnetic picture frame for my mother that says I LOVE GRAMMY on it. And I found some Melissa Valerian herbal bath, for her Mother's Day relaxation. Plus an Italian restaurant, a charming cafe that offers wine tasting events each Wednesday, and another possible coffee shop hangout (should they ever offer free wifi).

Plus, I bet I can just make my own empty wine bottle art and not even have to pay $400 for it. I may do it as a summer side project in fact, just to eff with Ms. W. Who is simply begging to be effed with. Whether she realizes it or not.