having a moment.

i had a much more amusing, 2-part weekend post to throw up here. but that will have to wait until next weekend, sorry if it ruins anybody's plans. i've been ruminating. and oscillating. ruminating on a bunch of stuff that is none of my beeswax, and oscillating on stuff that is, but there's not much i can do about.

here. take a gander:

::ruminating::

the octo-mom. let's talk.

clearly, the chick is nuts. i have ONE kid and i feel like i'm drowning some days. the thought of bringing home 8 more...to the 6 i already have...makes me want to jump off a bridge.

and the media. dear me. why do they have to make 3/4 of everything into a 3-ring circus? i mean, if they've GOT to have a 3-ring circus, put those ass crazy banker clowns in it. like that one bank of america guy who just showed up for his congressional hearing in his personal, private $50 million jet and just flat out refused to cooperate with the government...the very same government that saved his company's butt...by giving the information they asked for. and it wasn't like they wanted top secret, oooh-he's-gonna-DIE information, it was just hey, mr. rich banker guy, can we have a list of who got the tax payers' extra money please? information. which i think is fair. since bank of america expects their credit card holders to provide them with a bunch of where'd-you-get-that-money-from as well as a whole slew of other that's-none-of-your-beeswax information. AND they raise your interest rate to 40% if you're 3 seconds late with a payment.

so yes. let's put THOSE guys into the circus. maybe during the ravenous lion act, part IV.

but i digress. so the media's making octo-mom into a 3-ring, possibly 10-ring circus. and eeeeeverybody's got an opinion about her now. and eeeeeverybody's opinion is that she's nuts. which is fine, because i think most people are nuts, about one thing or another. like, i'm nuts about gerard butler. and reese's peanut butter cups. and drivers who don't use their turn signals or almost come to a complete stop before making a right hand turn.

octo-mom just happens to be nuts about kids. except here's where the media gets on my nerves: now people are demanding every single one of her children be taken from her.

and where should we place these children, sanctimonious sirs and ma'ms? where should we place these sure-to-be-confused-and-traumatized children? in the foster care system? oh yes, that would be such a wonderful spot for them, because of course everybody who grows up in the foster care system turns out fabulous, whole, and healthy.

i was thinking about all this the other night, after lurking on a mommy board full of "i'm so perfect, my kids are all perfect because i'm so perfect" type people and reading them go on about it, stopping short of suggesting a lynching. so i got curious and youtubed octo-mom. i watched 2 videos:

--the interview she did with anne curry. she seemed sane enough. the lips were a bit much; the resemblance to angelina a little strange. but you know, whatever. i spend a lot of time trying to look more like kate winslet...we all have our thing. and octo-mom's kids are clearly loved. they're very rambuctious souls, with happy energies, and they were also very honest about how they feel regarding their new siblings: not so hip on the crying jags they're all about to endure...worried about the house getting too squishy...concerned their mom will be too stressed out with all the new people to take care of. all worries that were reasonable enough. i mean, that's what the rest of the country all seems to be worried about. well that, and their tax money going to octo-mom.

as if their tax money isn't being used in other, much more facetious ways currently, going to people who are far less appreciative of it.

--and i watched the interview she did for radar.com with her mom. everybody came down on her like fire and brimstone: "how dare you speak to your mother that way!" "octo-mom's mom should kick her out of the house!" "smack her, octo-granma!"

listen: if radar.com wants to come over and interview me and my mom talking about, say, the appropriate way to bathe a baby or something, i'm pretty sure you'd see similar results. particularly when we got to the part about how to deal with immigrants in the usa.

it's just your average, every day mother-daughter conversation. mothers are SUPPOSED to be judgmental of their daughters' asinine life choices, and it's a daughter's duty to tell her mother to cut the apron strings for the love of god. it's, like, a law of the universe or something. like gravity, only more annoying.

i wish everybody had to walk in everybody else's shoes for at least 60 minutes.

::oscillating::

i'm not sure how to feel. i can't really say here what i'm not sure how to feel about, all i can say is: i'm not sure how to feel. i was in a situation recently that left me feeling deflated. like i'd been dancing with unconstrained abandonment to the bestest and most fabulous music, and suddenly i was yanked off the dance floor and made to sit in a giant vat of poo. and not cute, green baby poo. just regular, e.coli infested, stinky people poo.

and the most incredible thing about it was that this situation happened in a safe place. but suddenly i felt very unsafe because all eyes were trained on me...yet again, asking me questions i'm getting tired of answering: what is it that you want, amy? and then i was told: you don't know what you want. and at that moment, i didn't; they were indeed correct. at that moment, all i really wanted was to go home, watch american idol with melissa on my chest, and go to sleep. that was all.

but then i got home, and i started to think. and i realized: you know what? i actually DO know what i want. and what i want is to be allowed to be Me. without being accused of things i'm not doing, without the past being brought up and flung in my face, and without being reminded of all the things i should focus on more.

and then i remembered what a minister once said at a church i once went to: you know you're being judged when you keep hearing the word "should." and if you're saying it to yourself: "i should be this...i should do that..." then the universe would really like it if you'd stop shoulding all over yourself. because you're doing your best, and your best is just fine. when you're ready to move up to the next level, you'll do your best at that level, too.

and so now i'm really angry. but then again, i'm not angry. because i do understand where the should-ing was coming from, and why. i can hear the fear behind it, and i want the should-er to know he doesn't ever have to worry about the things he worries about, in certain situations.

i did try to explain this. but when i explain, i'm told i'm making excuses. and then i'm given examples of recent behaviors i've exhibited, behaviors i don't even remember. these particular examples were all bizarre and weird, and made me feel like i must walk on eggshells from now on. even while doing my best. because, apparently, it was unseemly how i behaved. and that makes me sad. i really thought i'd moved beyond unseemly. in fact, when i became a mother, the very second i found out i was pregnant, a giant calm came over me and i really thought i'd moved way, way beyond unseemly.

and so then i'm angry again. because now i'll have to set goals, and talk about what my purpose is. and then, later? i'll be shown how i always fall short of those goals, and don't follow through. and then i'll have to set more goals and purposes, figure out what i want again.

and all i really want is to be allowed to be Me.

i mean, man. it's not like i want to get pregnant again, that i froze 20 embryos to do it, that i'm in cahoots with a crazy doctor who's willing to implant all 20 inside my womb. i can think of a good handful of people very close to me who'd have way more problems with that. they're lucky all i do is have a hard time setting goals and schedules and sticking to them.