new reality, parts 1-2.

Part 1: We will miss you, George W. Bush.

I’ve been thinking about how good this country feels when it gets to start over with a clean slate. I’ve been thinking about how cute those two Obama girls are, especially that Sasha, who just makes me smile out loud every time I see her. I hope those two get to have frequent jumping jack contests on the Lincoln Bedroom's bed. I've been thinking about how the Obamas greeted the Bushes when they went to the White House for coffee the morning of Inauguration Day. Because when I saw Michelle had a gift for the Bushes, I said, “That Michelle Obama! I just really LIKE her.”

But mostly, I’ve been thinking about how much I’ll miss George Bush’s face. Man. That crazy guy caused me so much worry and distress over the years. But gosh you all! He has such a cute, goober face—every time he spoke, I’d feel this weird mixture of contempt and embarrassment for him, but also the urge to pat his head and give him a big hug.

On the other hand, I’ve also been thinking about how Barack Obama has a stunning smile, and so that’ll be nice to look at, too, for the next 4-8 years. And cute ears. Barack Obama has really cute ears.

But you know what I’ll miss most about George Bush, besides his cute, goober face and goofball smile? Quotes like these:

“Some people look at me and see a certain swagger. Which in Texas is called ‘walking.’”

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”

"I didn't grow up in the ocean -- as a matter of fact -- near the ocean -- I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

(and—my personal favorite):

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

Oh George! I'm going to deeply miss your funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine face.

Part 2: Why Barack Obama is running this place and I'm not.

I’m currently dealing with a difficult coworker. I spewed about it here recently for God and the whole world to see. But I’ve also spewed about it with my not-difficult coworkers (which would be 99.9% of the rest of the school), and I’ve spewed it to my husband. Who I think should ask President Obama to give him a job as Secret Interplanetary World Negotiator, because Charles is good at negotiating. (And also because, hello! Faaabulous 5 star trips to wherever, whenever.)

And I would like to announce that, after thoughtful consideration and internal debate, I’ve decided to deal with the situation like this:

Clearly, I will have to drive my difficult coworker insane.

But in a professional manner. Which is disgustingly easy to do when dealing with someone who is apparently conducting him or herself unprofessionally with every single person he or she runs into, on a daily basis, leaving frustration and a wide wave of hurt feelings in his or her wake. Except not with his or her boss. Because she or he is a butt kisser, which is just so typical of difficult coworkers.

See? This is why I can't and won't ever run for President or any other type of political office. And also because of the following:

(1) I willfully and unabashedly decide to drive difficult coworkers insane;

(2) I could be open to bribery. Please note: I did not say I AM open to bribery, I just said I COULD be;
(3) I’ve got skeletons the size of T. Rexes in just about all of my closets and
(4) under most of my beds, too.

And yes. (5) I do know how sad I make Jesus.

But not Barack Obama! No. Barack Obama makes Jesus very happy. Barack Obama is the poster child for WWJD. Because he’s healthy and athletic, with a brilliant and blinding smile, he’s married to the love of his life who’s classy and brings gifts to ex-world leaders who almost started World War III, and when he meets new people he tells them to just call him "No Drama" Obama.

But most of all, he’s a Good Leader. You might not have voted for Obama, and that's okay. And you might not agree with where he stands on most, if not all, of the issues. And that's okay too. And while he's in office, he might make some decisions that cause even me--Obama fangirl #2 (2nd only to my friend Kim, who is Obama fangirl #1, to the point we sometimes discussed doing an intervention on her or at least sending an email to the Obama camp warning them about her)--to go: "B! Are you NUTS?? That's a crazy decision!"

And that's okay, too. Because good leaders know about all that, and they're fine with it. Do you know the traits of a good leader? I looked them up on the Internets, to show why America made a better choice this time. Here are a few examples of Good Leadership skills:

Good leaders inspire, they don’t command. They don’t say things like: “I know how to fix this! You stay here. I'll go fix this!” They say: “WE can fix this, but I need your help; we have to work together to fix this.” That way if it fails? You can spread the blame.

.....Okay, heh! Sorry, that’s actually NOT a good leadership skill, spreading the blame, and I’ve completely missed the point here. (One more example of why I’m not the leader of the free world…or of anything else.)

Good leaders are confident in their beliefs. They stay positive during negative times, because they have a clear vision of where they want to go. Like, Charles? (who possesses at least 6 out of 10 Good Leadership skills, except he’ll get mad at me for saying that and make me correct it, saying he possesses all 10) (which is NOT a Good Leadership trait, Charles) calls this: Looking at the Big Picture.

For example: I’m reminded to look at the Big Picture at least 100 times a week. But here's where Big Picture looking gets hard for me: Sometimes MY big picture isn’t the same as Charles’ big picture. Or anyone else's big pictures. Or Reality’s big picture, for that matter.

Another reason your new president’s name is Barack, not Amy.

Good leaders admit their mistakes. I’m actually really good at this. It's my one Good Leadership trait. Dear President Obama: if you ever need a Secretary of Mistake Admissions, I’m your girl. Love, Amy.

Good leaders delegate. Because it's President Obama, not King Arthur. And this isn’t Camelot, so we’re fresh out of Merlins and Harry Potters here. Just figure out who’s good at what, and hire them. Then pass out candy to the people who do their best job. And give an extra sticker to people who go above and beyond. I do this all the time, at the end of the day, when I need scrap paper picked up off my floor. It’s amazing what a little kid will do for a sticker that says WOW! on it.

Good leaders make sacrifices. And clip coupons, AND follow the budget plan AND don’t let Wall Street get all corrupt-y and cause the whole planet to go bankrupt on your watch. George W. Bush, I am looking directly at YOU.

Good leaders recognize good qualities in others. And let people know what a good job they’re doing. People who do excellent work should get perks. Perks like Casual Wear Mondays, Wear Your Jeans Wednesdays, and Leave Early Fridays. And cupcakes. Good leaders recognize outstanding qualities with lots and lots of cupcakes. It’s amazing what I people will do for a chocolate cupcake with rainbow sprinkles on it.

Good leaders can take it. So bring it. Got a beef? A good leader will let you have your say and not even feel the least bit defensive about your disagreement and obvious need of a good anger management course. Because as soon as you’ve left the room, a good leader will roll their eyes and do that twirly coo coo thing with their finger at their head. Because seriously. You’re coo coo. That’s why YOUR fingers don't have access to all the nuclear arsenal buttons.

Good leaders have humility. Oh, they know they rock. People who don't totally rock don't get elected. But they also know people who go on and on about how much they rock are obnoxious. I am looking directly at YOU, Donald Trump.

Good leaders are also good followers. And good listeners, because they know they don’t have all the answers. Which is why Hillary Clinton got picked to be Secretary of State, because remember everybody? She’s the only one on the whole planet who'll know exactly what to do when the phone rings at 3 in the morning. So everybody follow Hillary and just do what she does. I mean, you know. Since she knows so much.

And in conclusion, here is my favorite picture of George W. Bush, which I do believe sums up how--according to statistics--75% of America felt about him when he left office January 20…and probably how he feels about 75% of America:



And THAT’S why America’s so freaking awesome.

The End.