good mother, bad mother.

1. lately, i've been worried Melissa will think her name is "M'am" when she's old enough to realize she has a name. charles calls her "Mel." but i've been calling her m'am since we brought her home from the hospital:

*strapping her into her car seat (HATES her car seat): "Sorry, m'am. It's the LAW."

*Wiping green poo off her (HATES getting wiped down): "Dude, mommy HAS to get all up in your va-jay-jay. To get all the poopy. Do you want a urinary tract infection? I'll tell you what your answer to that is, m'am: NO. No, you do NOT want a urinary tract infection...you'll thank me for doing this the first day you get one of those, m'am."




2- is it bad if, when your kid sticks out her little bottom lip so she makes this ridiculously cute pout-y face when she cries, you and your friends just stand around laughing at her? while she cries and cries? i only ask because I'm concerned at what age she'll require therapy...but also (and mostly) how big the bill will be.

3-melissa goes to baby school now. her teachers love her, even though she's an attention hog, and they fight over who will get to hold her next. this is why daycare teacher pay is not only an injustice, it's a crime: only a daycare teacher would love an attention hog. when I get an attention hog, that attention hog usually gets his/her name written on the board and leaves my class without a special sticker for the day.

when we were looking for a daycare, charles toured a creme de la creme down the street from us. have you heard of these places? they cost $1600 a month for just one child, which is practically a small mansion's mortgage. if you have to put 2 children in a creme de la creme, you are paying hugh hefner's mortgage. if you have more than 2 children, you might as well just buy your own south pacific island while you're at it.

charles came home from creme de la creme and said i was not allowed to go see it, because they'd dazzle me right out of my pants. he said it was disneyland for babies, and baby disneyland would land us in chapter 11.

and so i settled on a smaller daycare center down the street from my school. other teachers i work with send or have sent their children there and love them. and i love them now too, because they love attention hogs. in fact, i am going to suggest they make that their motto: daycare xxxx, where attention hogs are loved.

the other day, i said to charles: "so! disneyland daycare isn't so fabulous after all. i think our daycare is super nice, safe, and loving." and charles agreed; because it's not about the bells and whistles, it's really about the people running the place. and so what if melissa's daycare does have cheesy theme characters like super vegetable girl and boffo the clown? because i bet mickey mouse and goofy pinch kids when they aren't looking. never trust a mouse. or his crazy dog friend with a git 'er done accent, for that matter.

and then i said, "so our six flags daycare isn't as flashy, but it's way more fun!" and charles said, "oh no, she's not going to six flags daycare. if you'd seen what I saw, you wouldn't even know what to compare it to." and so i said, "....is it like she's going to a daycare that's a beach boardwalk?" and he said, "no, our kid's going to one of those strip mall parking lot carnival daycares."

but i do not care, and neither does melissa; shopping mall carnivals may not be as sexy, but they've got cotton candy and the tilt-a-whirl. and some clowns. and a billion and one trailers. and that's all that really matters.

4-we've been given a lot of wonderful, educational toys for 0-6 month old babies. we have sandra boynton books (my favorite: moo, baa, la la la...i say this to myself over and over occasionally; you should try it, it's quite soothing.)...stuffed doggies that sing the abc's and 123's...baby einstein videos that supposedly help in brain neuron-development.

but the toy i've fallen in love with is better than all of those neuron-enhancing amusements put together. it's green. it requires six size D batteries. it plays educationally-sound lullabies. but more importantly? it does THIS:

i call it The Magic Swing, and it is THE most important item in our household.

of course, she cries each time i put her in it, because she knows: Nap Time! you cannot fight off the naptime once the swing starts swinging...the baby swing is to babies what the swinging watch is to hypnotized grown ups.

melissa HATES nap time, by the way. because i mean, helloooo! if you take a NAP, you will miss something very, very important. like watching mommy read a trashy celebrity gossip magazine on the sofa or sitting on mommy's lap watching her make crazy faces. or getting to sit next to daddy while he watches weird, flashy shapes on the TV throwing a ball around. and being startled silly whenever daddy screams at the TV flashy shapes. the other day, mommy told him to stop dropping the f-bomb at those flashy shapes. what's the f-bomb? if you take a nap, you will never, ever find out.

of course, therapy will be expensive when she's 5 and has an intense, irrational phobia of swings on the playground to overcome...along with her odd phobia of crying in general (see number 2, above). but right now? The Magic Swing is treasured, a beloved member of our household. the cat loves it, charles loves it, and so do i.

does melissa love The Magic Swing? nope. but then, i think it's never to soon for kids to learn: life's a bitch, and then you die.