baby showers and other random thoughts (pt 1)

1-Every time (EVERY TIME!) I drive by someone's McCain*Palin yard sign, I wish I had a spray paint can. Because I would drive over to it, get out of my car, and spray paint a big NO on top of the name "Palin."

I would do this to the name McCain too, but I feel he's more stable than Palin. I mean, he's got some definite anger management issues, and I'm pretty sure he's sold his soul to the Karl Rove Republicans. But at least he sounds coherent...angry, but coherent....in interviews. And when he does a debate, oh, he's angry all right. But at least he doesn't just robotically parrot talking points and other lies/misinformation the trainers have programmed into his brain. I bet there's an underground cave somewhere in Arizona where there's all these machines, and that's where they do their Sarah Palin "Vice Presidential candidate training." And I bet Dick Cheney is there, in a white coat with a clip board, and Karl Rove is the guy who amps up the electrodes and stuff. And Ralph Reed is there for moral support.

So, um. Okay. Maybe I need to get out of my car and spray paint NO on top of Palin and ANGER! on top of McCain. The other day I saw someone had taken one of their signs and stomped on it. Which is why I'm thinking "ANGER, NO!" is a better message. Stomping indicates you and McCain might need to do some group therapy or something together. Which could turn into a fist fight, since you're both angry people. Which would make Jesus kind of frown-y with both of you. But not Palin, because she thinks Jesus is naturally frown-y, except when it comes to her religion.

This random thought is why CNN didn't hire me for their "Election 2008 Pundit" position.

2-I have been placed on bedrest until I am at 39 weeks, or go into labor. Whichever comes first. This is because about 3 weeks ago, I had super high blood pressure, swollen feet + cankles, and a rapid weight gain of 7 lbs in 2 weeks. They were worried. But I did weekend bedrest and a bunch of bodily fluid samples and it turns out: no gestational diabetes, and no preeclampsia. Also, I lost 4 lbs, and my blood pressure had gone down to almost normal. So they let me go back to work for a few weeks.

And then last Friday I had another check up. With high blood pressure, a weight gain of 7 lbs in a week and a half, and so I had to bedrest for 3 days this time. When I went back in today, I'd lost 7 lbs in 3 days (woo! if only it were always that easy), my blood pressure was high but closer to normal, and (here is the most important part) no more cankles! I have ankles and regular feet again. And my regular size shoes fit! Proof there is a God.

However, because my body did so well on 3 days of bedrest they said: Guess what! You get bedrest until the baby comes! And at first, I was all Hurrah! But then I remembered how, on Sunday evening, I was all What do I do NOW?? I'm sick of this bed. And so I quickly changed from Hurrah! to Boo! when they put me on bedrest.

Plus also, they used that effing medical term "elderly primigivida" or whatever. Which translates to: "You're over 35, which means you're OLD. And since you're an OLD mom, we're taking extra precautions with you, because OLD moms might have extra complications. That's just what happens when you get yourself knocked up when you're OLD."

I'm going to write the American Medical Association and suggest they (a) get themselves a dictionary and look up the word "elderly, then (b) get themselves a thesaurus and find a gentler word for "elderly," and (c) start telling the medical community to only use the word "elderly" with pregnant women who are 60 years or older.

But I can get out of bed and do stuff. Just not for hours at a time. Like, I can lay on the couch for 3 hours and then switch to the bed. And then maybe 3 hours later go back to the couch. And I can wash my hair and put on make up. Stuff like that. And 1-2 times a week I can go out to eat or to the movies, anything low key. But no high key things like shopping sprees or stair climbing. Because high key things may cause a stroke. And strokes are bad.

The baby is just fine--happy as a bee, floating around in a ton of amniotic fluid, scooching all around when I drink apple juice or eat ice cream (guess which foods will be on her Favorites list once she gets to solids?). And she's head down, but also occasionally flips herself out of head down into sideways. So I can tell we're going to have some issues later on--the stubborn mother vs. the stubborn daughter. We may need the father's contract negotiating skills at several different points in life. And if negotiating doesn't work, we may need to shift into a full-on Love Dictatorship (also known as: Because I'm the Boss and I Said So) (do I sound too much like Dick Cheney here?).

The best part? I get to read and keep up with blogs now. Write a story, maybe some bad poetry. Read some books. Tell you people which books were good books to read, which books were bad. Also, stay caught up on my celeb gossip, keep you guys up on celeb gossip. And watch Jon & Kate Plus Eight and a Baby Story. Have marathon HGTV sessions. Continue my addictive problem with Huffingtonpost.com, and continue my bad (slightly improper) political punditry commentaries here and there. Aren't you all EXCITED?!? You should be.

Because this pattern may last for WEEKS (at least 4), due to the doctors refusing to induce me before 39 weeks, even though I gently (and for the freaking billionth time) told them that maybe, uh, perhaps? Your due date is off by a few weeks and I'm already due. Because NO! They are the DOCTORS. And the doctors aren't wrong. And also they told me my body isn't ready, and if your body isn't ready and it gets induced, then that means extra recovery time, even if you don't have a C-section. Which you probably will have anyway, if they induce. Because your body isn't ready. So get ready.

Doctors are weird.

3-Tomorrow I shall post Baby Shower pictures (with commentary). (Because I will be on bedrest, with lots of time on my hands to do this.)