The other night, Charles and I took a tour of the Labor & Delivery unit at the hospital I'LL be delivering at. Here, please note the stress on "I'll." Because I really, really hate it when man-people go: WE'RE due on...WE'RE having a baby...WE'RE delivering at....These statements always made me want to roll my eyes, even before I knew exactly what pregnancy truly was. And now, I find I want to scream (in a very partisan, Sarah Palin kind of way): Who?!? WHO'S delivering? WHO'S had a full 9 months of indescribable bouts of constipation and been woken up in the middle of the night with a small alien making sharp wiggles all over their insides?? WHO'S been popping entire bottles of Tums each week???
...I do realize men just want to feel a part of the whole process, but--sorry dudes. Your part goes like this: semen, soothe, support. The End. When you pass a kidney stone, we'll adopt your pregnancy role and get you through (except without the semen...unless you're into that).
Now then. Just going on the intensely detailed and vigorous instructions the nurse/tour guide was giving along with some of our fellow tour group people, I can only imagine the huge range of different types of (angry, intense, and most likely insane) people Labor & Delivery nurses and doctors have to deal with every single day, all year long (holidays included), 24 hours a day.
Example number 1: the C-section candidate in our tour group. It was her 2nd Cesarean, and at her first she was so gassy and sick she couldn’t pick up or hold her baby. Her descriptions of this experience did NOT make me feel okay about a possible C-section if it goes that route. Thanks, C-section woman! Hospitals today want the babies in the room with the moms as much as possible, and whatever hospital she was at must have insisted she keep the baby in the room. Which apparently caused her much distress (in addition to the stitches she claimed kept popping out and all the gas) because she couldn’t do anything for the baby. And so, on our tour, she was very.... intense? about continuing to ask questions, to make sure if she couldn’t hold the baby or do anything with the baby, the baby would be placed in the nursery far away.
This made the nurse slightly annoyed. Not because she wanted the baby in the mom's room at all costs, but because the C-section mom hadn’t really listened to the nurse’s answer (“If you’re a sick mom, and we’ll know you’re a sick mom, we’ll take the baby out of the room until you get better”). And so, for about 10 minutes, it was reinforced to our tour group that healthy babies stay in the rooms with their healthy moms, no matter what. Hospitals aren’t Montego Bay, Jamaica Sandals resorts, people. You got knocked up, you had a kid, and now that baby is yours to deal with for the next 18+ years. The sooner you get used to it, the better.
Example number 2: Upon entering the Women’s Center where Labor & Delivery is located, you are greeted by (1) a receptionist who gets you registered and (2) a big ass sign that effectively says: HOSPITAL STAFF DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. ANY TYPE OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL AGGRESSION WILL RESULT IN A CALL TO SECURITY AND THE AGGRESSOR WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE HOSPITAL. THE POLICE WILL BE CALLED IF NECESSARY.
This sign so unsettled a girl in our group that her primary concern during the tour was:
GIRL: What type of verbal and physical abuse are you talking about?
NURSE: Any kind. Swear words, yelling, rude demands, physical threats, we’ve gotten all of it.
GIRL: But what if someone is just really worried and upset and they get a little loud?
NURSE: They’ll be asked to calm down and given a warning.
GIRL: And what if they don’t stop?
NURSE: Then security will be called and they’ll be removed.
GIRL: What if it’s someone in your immediate family?
NURSE: Baby, it don’t matter if it’s Jesus Christ himself. Anybody acting in a disturbing manner will be removed from this area, and that goes for hospital staff too. We don’t have to take abuse from you and your family and friends; y’all don’t have to take abuse from us. This is just not the place for that type of behavior. (stern look around at each person in the group) Are we clear on this? Yes? (everyone nods yes...except for the girl with the potentially violent family) We have babies in here and women trying to have babies. This isn't the place to lose your mind, even just a little. Everybody’s got a job to do. We're all trying to do our jobs.
GIRL: But does the person get to come back after they're removed?
NURSE: I'll ask security about that for you, but probably not. If we have to remove someone, they usually have to have a little talk with a police officer in the lobby, who will decide if they need to go home to calm down or if they need to visit jail to do that.
GIRL. Oh.
So I don’t know which mother, father, aunt/uncle, grandparent, sibling, cousin, or other family member in that girl’s family is certifiably nuts…but apparently she better let them know they’ll need to check themselves before entering Labor & Delivery. And pray they don't run into our tour guide nurse.
...Quite frankly, I hope our tour guide gets assigned to be my delivery nurse--not because I think anyone will go crazy (besides me, but I don't think they have security escort women who are more than 5 cm dilated off hospital grounds), but because throughout the entire tour, the woman never raised her voice above a decibel 2.5 and sounded just like Maya Angelou. Maya Angelou is one of my heroes.
Example number 3: The over-achiever lady in the group who wanted to know things like:
…do we get to bring birthing balls?
(for the record: Charles wrote this down as Something To Buy. Only I’d never heard of one of these, and so I had to look it up. We already have one: it’s called an exercise ball and apparently you can use these for creating six-pack abs AND giving birth. We are not bringing the exercise/birthing ball with us, though, as it is the size of Mt. Rushmore and we’ll look very silly. Also, you're supposed to squat on the ball, and straddle it with your legs. Which, historically, always leads to me bouncing around the room like a 3 year old hyped up on sugar. And I don't think I'll feel like squatting and bouncing around much after a certain point. I'll be far too busy demanding morphine.)
…how about birthing bars? Does this hospital provide birthing bars?
(based on the birthing ball thing? I don’t even want to know what other fitness benefits come with these.)
…what about birth plans? Does this hospital follow them EXACTLY? (she had hers with her...all 50 pages.)
…will my baby be put on my chest immediately after delivery? Because I want my baby on my chest immediately after delivery no matter what. (gross?)
...can I start breastfeeding immediately after birth? Or do I have to wait for all the baby inspections? (answer: you have to wait for all the baby inspections; in advanced Western cultures, these are NOT an option)
There were other questions of this intensely researched nature, but these were being asked in an actual Delivery room and I was focusing on breathing and not bursting into tears. It was quite overwhelming, seeing all the birthing apparatus (apparati?) and knowing millions of babies had been born on that very delivery room bed and that in about 2 months I will be the next one on it. And that there is no going back now, can't change my mind at this point. And, to quote Daniel Day-Lewis, there will be blood. And a lot, a lot of pain.
So, no. I don’t remember the other questions she had. I was simply too busy looking around for the epidural equipment and hoping they'd use it as soon as I got set up in my room. And that I'd be given like one of those little buttons they give to morphine drip patients so they can do their own pain control.
As we left the Delivery room to see a Mother/Baby room, I told Charles:
“Hey. Just so you know. Here’s my Birth Plan:
- Get it out.
- Stop the pain.
- Make sure everybody's alive at the end.”
Charles says my birth plan should be: “Vaginal delivery unless a C-section is absolutely necessary, and please give me an epidural. Also clean the baby up right after delivery so my husband doesn’t faint.”
Which is, hellooo, what MY version basically says. Men are really beginning to irritate the crap out of me.
Also, did you know that they put little baby lowjacks on their little baby ankles after birth? The whole family gets wrist bands (which are kind of like what they give you at amusement parks and rock concerts, only everybody’s personal information is on hospital All Access Pass bands), but the baby also gets a tiny lowjack security device. If you wheel the baby’s little hospital cradle too close to the door, or the lowjack gets loose on their ankle, all hell breaks loose and a million security guards descend upon your room.
2 comments:
baby lowjacks. oh lawd, amy. that's hilarious.
and i do hope that charles understands his 3-part role in this pregnancy and that he never gets kidney stones.
and that is HILARIOUS that this other prego lady was so worried about her family getting kicked out. i really hope you and she give birth on the same day so that we can all find out which of her relations is a psycho nutbag.
maya angelou would make a great childbirth nurse. actually, i imagine her more of a midwife.
I think Charles gets his part of the pregnancy...but the other day, someone asked me: "How long are you comfortable leaving your child alone with her father, and would you leave him a list of things to remember to do?" And I said, "Dude, my child's father will leave ME a To Do list when he goes out. That's just how he is."
I think Maya Angelou should be a nurse, a midwife, AND then be president or vice president. Why is Maya Angelou not on somebody's ticket? Probably because she knows why the caged bird sings, and that scares the FBI and CIA.
I really hope I get to meet some psycho nutbags when I go into labor (and that none of them are ME).
:-)
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