who you should vote for in november '08

Do it! Or you'll be sorry. Here, watch this, and then read what you'll be missing out on if you don't vote correctly:




And so, my fellow Americans, if elected in November, I promise to institute the following rules, acts, and laws IMMEDIATELY:

1-The 15th of each month will be designated as American Relaxation Day. Everyone is expected to sleep in late, get a free massage (your state Congress reps will be footing the bills from their re-election campaign funds), and do something you personally find relaxing. No looting allowed, though.

2-Get Out of a Traffic Citation For Free Day will be held the 30th of each month (with the exception of February, when it will be held on the 16th in conjunction with Relaxation Day).

3-Every February 23, the official presidential birthday, will be an official No Working Day and also a Get Whatever You Want at Your Local Old Navy Store (But Only One Item Because the President Ain't Rich, Yo) Day.

4-There will be no more of this Daylight Savings crap. The Universe will be ordered to stop messing with the daily sunlight hours of the Northern Hemisphere each year. The Southern Hemisphere will just have to deal with this. This is how America works--it's all about us, it's always been all about us; just ask President Bush and Dick Cheney, they'll confirm this--and everyone should get this by now. Sorry.

5-Every time some leader of some foreign little country decides to commit genocide and make war against his (and it IS always, ALWAYS a "he" and a "his") own people, America and her allies will descend upon that country, kidnap that leader, and force him to sit in a windowless white room listening to Anne Coulter talk racially and insensitive and personally insulting nonsense. FOR HOURS.

6-The 1st of each month will be designated Funster Day, and every American will be commanded to put their feet up, rest awhile, and then go have fun. Further, work weeks will be reduced to 3 days, weekends increased to 4, and $200 will be deposited into every citizen's bank account on day 6 for no apparent reason other than the President of the United States ordered the Vatican to start sharing some of the wealth it's horded for centuries.

This monthly deposit will be increased to $500 for all citizens who are currently living in poverty, filth, and starvation. Individuals who are not American but are living in poverty, filth, and starvation in other countries around the globe will be encouraged to apply for this monthly economic stimulus as well. And nobody (this means YOU, Ronald Reagan trickle down theorists) in America OR the Vatican gets to argue with the President's policy, because it's the right, moral thing to do for those who are suffering. Americans who can physically prove they, too, are living in poverty, filth, and starvation will also receive a $500 deposit, which will end immediately if it is ever discovered they've been spending their $500 on things like Armani, Fendi, Hummers, ludicrously overpriced name brand clothing and shoes, bling bling, and other ridiculous crap only Americans are regularly impressed by (with the exception, perhaps, of Posh Spice and David Beckham).

7-The United States will stop harassing Mexican, Central American, and Haitian immigrants, and discriminatory-type laws against gays and other minorities will no longer be permitted. Instead, Americans will be ordered to start regularly harassing anyone who actually buys into the inherent b.s. that Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, and other people who are clearly (CLEARLY) mental have been trying to use to mind control the unwitting masses for years.

7.2-It will be decreed that there will BE no more unwitting masses allowed within the US borders.

8-Stupendous acts and examples of freedom of religion and tolerance of other religious practices and goodwill shall be rewarded with tax-exempt 4,000 square estates located on beautiful lakes, oceanfronts, or mountain chalets. When all the 4,000 square estates are taken, Donald Trump will be forced to begin sharing his many real estate holdings around the world. When those are gone, Donald Trump will be forced to start doing spectacular remodels on regular people houses, apartments, and condos.

8.2-Donald Trump will also be ordered stop walking around and giving pompous-ass speeches about how great he is, and that comb-over thing will be fixed immediately.

9-Oprah Winfrey will be ordered to begin taping OPRAH'S FAVORITE THINGS SPECTACULAR GIVEAWAYS!!!! shows on a weekly basis, around the country, until every American has attended at least one of these shows and walked away with amazingly fabulous gifts that Oprah loves and endorses.

10-Car manufacturers will be expected to come up with a biofuel for cars that consists of banana peels, dirty bath water, and whatever is found in trash dumpsters behind fast food restaurants. They actually have had this technology since 1958, and because of this, will also be forced to come forward with both written and spoken apologies and will also have to outfit all cars worldwide with the equipment necessary to support the new world biofuel. They will do this humbly, and without help from Saudi Arabia.

10.2-All pregnant women will be awarded a Handicap/Pregnant decal for their cars for a 24 month time period. There are far too many open handicap parking spaces and not enough handicapped drivers to fill them. And they are always located up front, right next to the store. This is cruel and unusual punishment (see Bill of Rights, Amendment V), particularly in the summer when temperatures are over 90 degree fahrenheit.

11-Congress will be regularly screened for: religious zealots, psychopaths, and anyone who thinks Rush Limbaugh may "have a point." Ditto for the Supreme Court. And the Presidential Cabinet members, who could be harboring secret lives and agendas, just like the evil characters in James Bond movies. The president is, clearly, a victim of paranoid personality, but she'll be dealing with it in therapy, so everyone can just bite her.

12-Nobody really gets to bite the president. And ha! They won't be able to anyway! Because they'll be sent to a remote, undisclosed location. (Okay, okay...it will be the Bush farm in Texas.)


12.2-Also, all KKK and other Aryan type Nazis, known gang members, child pornographers and molesters, drug dealers, and serial killers will be sent to live on a remote, uninhabited island in the South Pacific. There will be no more jails, because the remote, uninhabited island and its unrestrained inhabitants along with regular live satellite broadcasts of their activities will be enough to scare the holy bejesus out of anyone even CONSIDERING committing a crime.

I think I have more decrees. But I don't want to overwhelm anyone, so I'll just say: if you vote for me in November, I promise one chicken joke for eeeevery pot. As my 5 year old niece liked to say when she was 3 1/2.

And in case you weren't aware, chicken jokes in pots rock, people. They really, really do.