sacred writings.

before the blogging explosion, like back in 1910, people liked to get their crap out of their psyches by writing about it. usually they did this in tastefully simple, leatherbound journals, often with touching illustrations. they did this all the way until bill gates was born and invented internet explorer.

i have always been a journaler/diary keeper. it's therapeutic to get it out of your head and onto paper, and also it's fun to go back and read about who you were and where your head was at XX years ago. usually, i laugh my head off during these moments, although i do sometimes find myself wondering why in the world no one had me committed XX years ago.

i was sort of a latecomer to blogging--i think it started back in 1999 or something like that and then really took off in maybe 2002-ish. i discovered it in 2005. along the way, i learned some lessons. and you know i always like to learn my lessons the hardest way possible, so i made a lot of mistakes. and paid my dues. which is always fun.

so now, when i decide to write a blog post, i have things i consider sacreds when i put something out there for potential mass, public consumption on the internet and/or send a piece writing out into the world for possible publication on paper. i don't really have names for these sacreds, i just sort of know in my gut what and where the boundaries are.

like, i won't write about sensitive issues regarding children i work with because it's entirely inappropriate and unprofessional--but i will write about the funny, cute things kids i work with occasionally gift me with, because gosh aren't they just the darnedest? this is also similar to why i don't write about things that are happening at work unless i can say something glowingly positive.

on a personal level, i may allude to certain frustrations i may occasionally have with certain family members of a sometimes maternal nature who i love dearly and dread the day they are no longer here for me to worry about, but i won't write about the minute details of whatever has happened because i think it's disrespectful and hurtful. i also won't write about sensitive issues between my husband and myself; i don't write about our sex lives, arguments we've had, things we've worked on in deep detail through counseling. i also won't write about things he specifically requests me not to. my husband is my life's greatest love and teacher and i've learned--the hard way--to respect his feelings.

but i like to blog. and there are two reasons i like to blog:

1-it's helpful. it's helpful in that it keeps me warm to writing when i'm not writing a story or working on an essay (which is more frequently than not these days),

and

2-it's therapeutic. when i say it's therapeutic, i am not just referring to it being therapeutic in getting crap out of my head; i am also referring to the connections that blogging opens up. my favorite type of entries to write are the ones in which i am very, very silly and highly irreverent towards things like woodland creatures and the american political system. these are fun, and enjoyable, and fun and enjoyable is good.

but i also know that there are people out there in the world who lead very isolated lives, who feel like they're the only one going through something upsetting or disturbing. in some of my less happy periods, the best moments of zen for me have been when i've stumbled upon a poem, a song, a book, an essay, a short story, or a blog that has let me know: you're not the only one who's gone through this; you're not alone, and your feelings are not wrong. it's okay.

it's that connection that draws me to blogging, because otherwise by this point it would just be like some sort of a self-focused, pointless thing i just do to procrastinate and waste time. i mean, i only have about 10 regular readers...both here and myspace where i usually cross-post blog entries. which i really wish could be a job that i made a billion dollars a year at. but then i'd have millions of readers, which means about 18% would fall into the sociopath category and those types are noooo fun, and not enjoyable. even if you're a billionaire.

people who don't read or write blogs usually don't understand this, and people who feel like "too much" has been shared and then get hostile and frantic about it are usually people who are living in fear and desperate to hide something from the world. and my heart aches for them--i can't imagine walking around all the time with dusty skeletons to constantly be worried about coming out to haunt me.

in other words, the things people who visit here read about are merely scratching--SCRATCHING--the surface of whatever went on that i've shared in a very open, public way. and i write about these personal things in a very open way because i want people who may read regularly (all 10 of you) or who may just be passing by to be able to make that human connection, to know they aren't isolated, that others have been there and done that and come out stronger for it, and that it's going to be okay. this goes for whatever topic i've written about, including irreverent ones about woodland creatures wreaking havoc on your garden.

also, as i write blog entries, i do heavily consider what might be "too much" to share...one reason it takes me so long to write new blog entries is because i draft and re-draft and really think about what i'm putting out there, how it may be construed by those who weren't there and by those who were. and when i DO make the decision to put it out there, i do so understanding that someone may get upset...but that i'm going to be okay with that because if they're still in my life, we'll talk about it and work it out...and if they're no longer in my life, i'm at a point where i am no longer beholden to them.

have i mentioned that i've also figured out that blogs don't have to be democracies?

this is why i'm very open to writing about who i am, where i've been, and what choices i've made that maybe haven't been all that healthy; things that have left me questioning where my priorities and values really are. i've learned that works best for me, what makes me feel at peace and okay, is taking an honest approach to living. it's so much easier, less stressful. i get to look at myself in mirrors and actually like what i see. and i'm all about this type of living right now, because yo. i'm pregnant and want a happy baby. what to expect when you're expecting (3rd edition) says it's important to stay relaxed as much as possible while pregnant, and not get all riled up about things that are beyond your control, over and done with. but i bet non-pregnant people could benefit from that helpful ob/gyn advice, too.

to summarize:

honesty and truth has become so very, very important to me. i am not always good at this; i have relapses and bad days all the time. when i realize i've made a mistake i apologize and make amends. but openness and soul growth are two things i simply will not compromise on. while i will never intentionally hurt another human being, at the same time i do have a truth to speak and i'm allowed that. i speak this truth by writing about things that have happened to me, that i've seen or experienced, and what i've learned from it, but at the same time keeping those things that are clearly sacred...sacred. as much as possible.

a pastor at a unity church i once attended said that if you find yourself in a situation where you realize you're dealing with someone who is upsetting you, you don't have to stop caring about them; but nobody in the universe really expects you to have regular lunch dates with them either.

something happened yesterday, something that made realize i needed to write this blog entry. this is the last time i will address this particular subject here.

also, for some odd reason i feel like i should sign off on this entry with "god is love, rev run."