Parent-teacher conferences = not my favorite. Because I don’t have a classroom anymore, and because I speak Spanish somewhat proficiently (meaning: better than people who don't speak it), I spend most of my parent teacher conference days translating. While all the other ESOL teachers hang out and drink coffee and gossip. I mean, yeah yeah yeah. They go to some of their crazier kids' conferences. And they cut out stuff and do some lesson planning for the next week. Make a copy or two. But mostly, they get to gossip and drink coffee while I try to figure what Senor Gomez just said because it sounded like "My son takes too many baths. How do I stop my son's baths?" And Senor Gomez looks pretty sane, I'm fairly certain that wasn't his response to the question "Do you have any questions for the teacher?"
Although...you never know, I guess. Maybe Senor Gomez's son does take too many baths, which is why Senor Gomez, Jr. never does his homework.
Anyway. At the end of conference days, I always make a mental note to watch more Telemundo telenovelas as a way to improve my Spanish comprehension skills. My Spanish comprehension skills are pretty poopy.
I translate these conferences from 1:00 PM-8:00 PM, which means I'm at school from 7:30 AM-8:00 PM. Twice a year. Which is a really long time to hang out at school. And we’re not supposed to call what I do "translating" anymore for some reason that was only vaguely communicated to me; I'm an "interpreter" now. Whatever. The point is that Spanish uses a few different facial and tongue muscles that English does not, which means all of mine were slightly jacked up as I drove home Wednesday evening. The other point is that Spanish is not my first language: I took 4 years of it in high school, minored in it for some odd reason in college, taught a tad bilingually on the US/Mexico border for 3 years (I speak fabulous Spanglish), and now I have this semi-skill. That I’m not all that comfortable in. But I’m a GREAT faker, and sometimes that’s all that's really needed.
For the most part, we have wonderful, lovely families. The majority of our families work 2, 3, sometimes 4 jobs to put food on their tables. Contrary to what certain judgmental, borderline prejudiced people I sometimes run across have to say about schools like mine, the vast majority of our families are here legally and they’re not all from Mexico. A good handful or three of our parents barely completed 8th grade in their home countries and have a hard time signing their own names, let alone helping their child(ren) with homework. But they love their kids deeply and want them to do their best even if “their best” just means showing up on time each day and not giving the teacher problems. The respect the majority of Hispanic families have for teachers is simply refreshing in this era of blame-gaming and finger pointing.
But of course there are always THOSE people. You know, the ones who’d make great politicians because they just know it all so much better than the people actually digging the trenches. Also, at any public school—just like at any Corporate America company—you’re often forced to deal with the dysfunctional and inappropriate, and sometimes the borderline psychotic and outright sociopathic.
So here are some ideas I’ve come up with for parents as a guideline to participating in elementary school conferences. I feel all parents who do not possess degrees in education or have extensive work experience with school age children should use their Higher Order Thinking Skills (or their HOTS, as we in the biz like to call 'em) to synthesize and apply most or all of these as appropriate:
1-Sometimes, children just aren’t developmentally ready to read. This is not a negative; some kids are just late bloomers. Actually, I think the United States (and England, according to this) has it all wrong about what age young children are ready to read—I think the Swiss handle this much better by waiting until the end of 1st/beginning of 2nd grade. (To be even franker, I think the United States is all wrong about a lot of things when it comes to the teaching of young children, but unfortunately I am not the boss of USA schools) (because if I was the boss of USA schools, we would do things that made sense) (For starters, I’d get rid of that crazy No Child Left Behind law. I mean, I'm not opposed to being held accountable (for the love of God--hold me accountable...it keeps me on my toes and I'm the type who needs to be kept on her toes), but I'd like to be held accountable in ways that are actually fair using measures that are actually effective for things I can actually control.) (Also, I’d put money where our mouths are instead of giving it all to bankers so they can continue taking their luxury yacht vacations).
2-So if you’re a parent, and your child can’t read, please do not automatically assume it’s the teacher’s fault. Because, usually? When a teacher has 5 other teachers sitting in on a conference? (And these 5 other teachers do not typically enjoy sitting in on a bunch of sad-themed conferences, but they all begged to be at your kid’s.) And these 5 teachers are all saying the same thing and expressing the same concerns as the teacher you are furious with because you’re convinced s/he is obviously lazy and simply not working up to his/her full potential in getting your child to read even though you refuse to read to your child at home or even make sure s/he is doing his/her language arts homework on a regular basis because that’s the teacher’s responsibility not yours and why does it matter anyway; your kid is going to be the next Peyton Manning or Michael Jordan...who needs books? This situation always means: it is not the teacher’s fault. And that is 210% of the time.
3-Because the problem might not be solved by demanding a new, better teacher. There can be a lot of stuff happening in a kid’s brain: for example, there are things like processing problems. And we have specialists for these things, people who are specifically trained in specific ways to teach children how to overcome specific processing and other learning problems. So please do not throw a tantrum about how your child is NOT going to be different and you will NOT have your child labeled. Why is different bad? Different isn’t bad. Different is okay. Sometimes, if your child truly needs help, a label is a GOOD thing. Sometimes, getting your child the help s/he needs is far more important than your worries about how it might be a negative reflection of you as a parent or your need to put some uppity teacher in her place.
Because sometimes, it just is what it is which means it's not really about you. Sometimes, your child having a reading problem and your refusal to grant your child the help s/he needs to conquer that problem makes you look really bad, and slightly crazy. Which means YOU get the label, not your child. And then, yes indeed, Mr./Ms. Problem Parent. Labeling does suck.
4-If it turns out your child does need extra help, please do not assume it’s your fault, or that you can somehow fix this yourself. Please do not think that, if you just beat your child more at home, doing so will magically help him/her decode words and comprehend stories and they will be okay. Because they will not be okay if you do this. They will be very, very, very not okay.
As a matter of fact, we have thousands of Americans who shun books and reading. These people would rather listen to Snoop Dogg rap about all the cannabis plants he smokes or they spend their free time watching Jackass XXIV. I would like to beat these people, too, so they would read more and vote smarter. Unfortunately, their parents got to them first.
5-If you have personal psychological issues, please find a babysitter so your child can stay at home while you’re at their school conference. Please do not make him/her listen to you rant about how stupid s/he is or how s/he is just like his/her father/mother, that skanky ass who cheated on you 5 years ago and so you divorced his/her skanky ass in the midst of a nasty custody battle and now you lovingly refer to him/her as “Shithead."
6-Appropriate attire for a parent-teacher conference is typically: a nice, clean shirt or sweater, jeans, and decent shoes. As a golden rule underwear should be worn, but not in a way that is visible to others.
7-Inappropriate attire includes but is not limited to: leather and chains and other dominatrix outfits; hooker costumes combined with clear-heeled stripper shoes and/or thigh-high stripper boots are also unnecessary.**
8-As a side note…inappropriate for girls under 10: shirts that say LUSCIOUS across the chest; sweatpants that say SEXY across the bottom; hip hugger jeans that show butt crack; flip flops, micro mini-skirts, and spaghetti strap/belly-baring mid-drift shirts. Especially when it’s 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside.**
9-Cologne and perfume: Less is more.
9a-Showering and deodorant: More is less.
10-Please come sober. Sobriety always helps you get your points across much better.**
**I’m actually not kidding about numbers 7-8 or number 10. If you’d seen some of the outfits and sat in on some of the conferences I have over the last 13 years, you’d understand why the United States of America is behind the rest of the world in math and science.
Although...you never know, I guess. Maybe Senor Gomez's son does take too many baths, which is why Senor Gomez, Jr. never does his homework.
Anyway. At the end of conference days, I always make a mental note to watch more Telemundo telenovelas as a way to improve my Spanish comprehension skills. My Spanish comprehension skills are pretty poopy.
I translate these conferences from 1:00 PM-8:00 PM, which means I'm at school from 7:30 AM-8:00 PM. Twice a year. Which is a really long time to hang out at school. And we’re not supposed to call what I do "translating" anymore for some reason that was only vaguely communicated to me; I'm an "interpreter" now. Whatever. The point is that Spanish uses a few different facial and tongue muscles that English does not, which means all of mine were slightly jacked up as I drove home Wednesday evening. The other point is that Spanish is not my first language: I took 4 years of it in high school, minored in it for some odd reason in college, taught a tad bilingually on the US/Mexico border for 3 years (I speak fabulous Spanglish), and now I have this semi-skill. That I’m not all that comfortable in. But I’m a GREAT faker, and sometimes that’s all that's really needed.
For the most part, we have wonderful, lovely families. The majority of our families work 2, 3, sometimes 4 jobs to put food on their tables. Contrary to what certain judgmental, borderline prejudiced people I sometimes run across have to say about schools like mine, the vast majority of our families are here legally and they’re not all from Mexico. A good handful or three of our parents barely completed 8th grade in their home countries and have a hard time signing their own names, let alone helping their child(ren) with homework. But they love their kids deeply and want them to do their best even if “their best” just means showing up on time each day and not giving the teacher problems. The respect the majority of Hispanic families have for teachers is simply refreshing in this era of blame-gaming and finger pointing.
But of course there are always THOSE people. You know, the ones who’d make great politicians because they just know it all so much better than the people actually digging the trenches. Also, at any public school—just like at any Corporate America company—you’re often forced to deal with the dysfunctional and inappropriate, and sometimes the borderline psychotic and outright sociopathic.
So here are some ideas I’ve come up with for parents as a guideline to participating in elementary school conferences. I feel all parents who do not possess degrees in education or have extensive work experience with school age children should use their Higher Order Thinking Skills (or their HOTS, as we in the biz like to call 'em) to synthesize and apply most or all of these as appropriate:
1-Sometimes, children just aren’t developmentally ready to read. This is not a negative; some kids are just late bloomers. Actually, I think the United States (and England, according to this) has it all wrong about what age young children are ready to read—I think the Swiss handle this much better by waiting until the end of 1st/beginning of 2nd grade. (To be even franker, I think the United States is all wrong about a lot of things when it comes to the teaching of young children, but unfortunately I am not the boss of USA schools) (because if I was the boss of USA schools, we would do things that made sense) (For starters, I’d get rid of that crazy No Child Left Behind law. I mean, I'm not opposed to being held accountable (for the love of God--hold me accountable...it keeps me on my toes and I'm the type who needs to be kept on her toes), but I'd like to be held accountable in ways that are actually fair using measures that are actually effective for things I can actually control.) (Also, I’d put money where our mouths are instead of giving it all to bankers so they can continue taking their luxury yacht vacations).
2-So if you’re a parent, and your child can’t read, please do not automatically assume it’s the teacher’s fault. Because, usually? When a teacher has 5 other teachers sitting in on a conference? (And these 5 other teachers do not typically enjoy sitting in on a bunch of sad-themed conferences, but they all begged to be at your kid’s.) And these 5 teachers are all saying the same thing and expressing the same concerns as the teacher you are furious with because you’re convinced s/he is obviously lazy and simply not working up to his/her full potential in getting your child to read even though you refuse to read to your child at home or even make sure s/he is doing his/her language arts homework on a regular basis because that’s the teacher’s responsibility not yours and why does it matter anyway; your kid is going to be the next Peyton Manning or Michael Jordan...who needs books? This situation always means: it is not the teacher’s fault. And that is 210% of the time.
3-Because the problem might not be solved by demanding a new, better teacher. There can be a lot of stuff happening in a kid’s brain: for example, there are things like processing problems. And we have specialists for these things, people who are specifically trained in specific ways to teach children how to overcome specific processing and other learning problems. So please do not throw a tantrum about how your child is NOT going to be different and you will NOT have your child labeled. Why is different bad? Different isn’t bad. Different is okay. Sometimes, if your child truly needs help, a label is a GOOD thing. Sometimes, getting your child the help s/he needs is far more important than your worries about how it might be a negative reflection of you as a parent or your need to put some uppity teacher in her place.
Because sometimes, it just is what it is which means it's not really about you. Sometimes, your child having a reading problem and your refusal to grant your child the help s/he needs to conquer that problem makes you look really bad, and slightly crazy. Which means YOU get the label, not your child. And then, yes indeed, Mr./Ms. Problem Parent. Labeling does suck.
4-If it turns out your child does need extra help, please do not assume it’s your fault, or that you can somehow fix this yourself. Please do not think that, if you just beat your child more at home, doing so will magically help him/her decode words and comprehend stories and they will be okay. Because they will not be okay if you do this. They will be very, very, very not okay.
As a matter of fact, we have thousands of Americans who shun books and reading. These people would rather listen to Snoop Dogg rap about all the cannabis plants he smokes or they spend their free time watching Jackass XXIV. I would like to beat these people, too, so they would read more and vote smarter. Unfortunately, their parents got to them first.
5-If you have personal psychological issues, please find a babysitter so your child can stay at home while you’re at their school conference. Please do not make him/her listen to you rant about how stupid s/he is or how s/he is just like his/her father/mother, that skanky ass who cheated on you 5 years ago and so you divorced his/her skanky ass in the midst of a nasty custody battle and now you lovingly refer to him/her as “Shithead."
6-Appropriate attire for a parent-teacher conference is typically: a nice, clean shirt or sweater, jeans, and decent shoes. As a golden rule underwear should be worn, but not in a way that is visible to others.
7-Inappropriate attire includes but is not limited to: leather and chains and other dominatrix outfits; hooker costumes combined with clear-heeled stripper shoes and/or thigh-high stripper boots are also unnecessary.**
8-As a side note…inappropriate for girls under 10: shirts that say LUSCIOUS across the chest; sweatpants that say SEXY across the bottom; hip hugger jeans that show butt crack; flip flops, micro mini-skirts, and spaghetti strap/belly-baring mid-drift shirts. Especially when it’s 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside.**
9-Cologne and perfume: Less is more.
9a-Showering and deodorant: More is less.
10-Please come sober. Sobriety always helps you get your points across much better.**
**I’m actually not kidding about numbers 7-8 or number 10. If you’d seen some of the outfits and sat in on some of the conferences I have over the last 13 years, you’d understand why the United States of America is behind the rest of the world in math and science.
9 comments:
I have thought about you all week! I can't wait to hear more next week!!!!!
I am sorry you had to work those long long days.
I 472% agree with you on the No Child Left Behind. I am sick to death of fitting square pegged kids into round holes.
I've been around the table far too many times w/ parents upset that their kid is not reading at grade level, as if it is our fault. Please. Some kids come to school for breakfast. They come to school to be in a place where adults are not yelling at them. Some kids run away (literally) when it's time to read. If we get them caught up to one year behind grade level, it's a huge accomplishment (for the kid).
Also, parents think that we will somehow cure the child of whatever referring condition got the kid into special education in the first place. Ack. It's really hard to cure PTSD.
Some of the ones we get? We call FUBAR because they are F-d Up Beyond Repair.
I still have the best job ever. :-)
Happy Weekend, Amy!!
Val-I am SO looking forward to our dinner outing next week. I feel Amelia is as well. Carol and I will attempt to describe the new test they are forcing K language learners to complete, as well as some other VIP items you (and Amelia) you should be privy to. Also, I have something to get everyone's professional (and what the heck, unprofessional too) opinions on.
E: tell me about, girlfriend. Who decided this? Oh yes. Well, there's a new sheriff in town now, so maybe there will be change. If the economy can get dealt with in a way that people will relax a little. If not, then schools and kids are getting thrown under the bus. Again. sigh.
Regarding PTSD: Today, I think I saw how a child might end up with this. I was at car rider duty, and it was slightly backed up for a Friday morning. Suddenly, one of the cars screeches ahead in a very dangerous way that's totally inappropriate in a zone full of children.
The man rolls down his window and starts screaming at me and the other teacher on duty about how bad the back up is, and then starts screaming even louder about how the people who are letting their kids out of cars are causing it (are they not supposed to let....their...kids...out of their cars? I mean, how would you like us to get them into the school, sir? Via teleportation?)
And then he wants to know what me and the other teacher will do about this situation. And the other teacher apologizes for his inconvenience and says she'll say something to the office personnel.
Meanwhile, I am opening up his car door to help his child out of the car. This was very similar to how a penned up wild lion behaves once its release back into the wild: it hesitates, not sure it can believe its luck, and then it runs. RUNS. Like the wind. Born free, as free as the wind blows.
I close the man's car door, he is still screaming about this situation (causing further back up, back up that I'm sure the other parents are annoyed with but nobody else is screaming about) and then he screams, "It's retarded!" And you know how I feel about THAT phrase.
And so he screeches off to his job or his crack pipe or whatever he's upset about being late for, and I say to my coworker: "So are people who spend 20 minutes screaming about a minor situation that just is what it is."
And SHE says, "Yeah. We'll get right on that."
And then we high fived. Because really. In certain situations, it really is Teachers vs. Everybody Else.
Amy - You are AWESOME! This is a fantastic post and true, true, true!
And I really get frustrated with parents about the whole label issue. The label is necessary to get the child help. The label qualifies the child for specific programs. The label doesn't define the child unless the parents ignore the issues and pray they go away. Then the kids give the child a label and the child will allow children to define them. I'd rather see a child label "Learning Disabled" by a group of educators than "Dumb as a Stick" by a group of kids.
I might just post these guidelines for parents in the next newsletter. But the ones who need to take heed are not usually the ones who read. Oh, well.
Again, great post!
I hope you have a great weekend!
Beth, I'm writing a letter to Obama and I'm going to tell him to put you in charge of American public education. And then you can appoint me your co-chairwoman of American public education. And then we can overhaul the whole thing and start over.
We'll ignore those angry, but-that's-not-the-way-I-did-it William Bennett emails. That guy's a loon. He probably needed to be labeled as a child and his frickin parents refused.
I love the inappropriate attire! You really can see it all on a day like that.
My wife is a teacher and forever coming home with a flood of acronyms that I am expected to know. One of them is ESL, which I recognize as "English as a Second Language". It is one of the few acronyms in her profession I thought I had mastered. But now I notice you using ESOL. What the heck does the "O" stand for?
By the way, in response to the post that precedes this one, your writing is so good I believe you likely would have had a Pulitzer by now.
you know, amy. i read this post a few days ago, and i laughed and laughed.
i must confess that i read your blog selfishly. you are so entertaining. so i just come here...take...and leave nothing. i can't match your wit. i just can't. i adore your school observations. i want you to put together a whole collection of these so i can buy them.
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