wherein i return to work, making sure all the windows are locked.

::Monday::

I get to school; it is my first day back. Well, no, wait a second. Monday is my second day back. Because I am a total control freak about my classroom and wanted to deal with any of my long-term sub’s forgotten issues items before my first day back, and also I needed time to mutter cuss words to myself to about these issues items; saying them in front of children is simply poor role modeling. So I’d already been at work. On my last day of vacation/maternity leave. I’m just THAT dedicated.

Monday, however, my entire day is spent telling six and seven year olds the following:

Yes, I had the baby; the baby is at baby school; no, the baby will NOT be coming to school with me every day; yes, the baby cries a lot; no, the baby isn’t walking, talking, riding a bike, dancing, singing, or paying her own bills yet; yes, the baby is cute; the baby was born on October 30; October 30, that’s the baby’s birthday; October 30, that’s the baby’s birthday; October 30, that’s the baby’s birthday; for the love of GOD!! OCTOBER 30!! THE BABY WAS BORN ON OCTOBER 30!!! ………wow, that's so sad your dad was in jail, but I’m glad he was released the day the baby was born; no, the baby can’t come to school—she’s too little; the baby is at baby school; no, she’s pretty happy there, sorry, I’m not bringing the baby with me to school; yes, that means I’m NEVER ever bringing the baby to school with me; no, not even on my birthday; no, not on hers either; yes, the baby does have poopy diapers; yes, there are a lot of poopy diapers; well, because that's just what babies do: they poop a lot; no, the baby doesn’t bite me all the time, but I’m sorry that your baby brother/sister/cousin/neighbor bites you all the time; no, you can’t come visit the baby; yes, I’ll show you all my pictures later. Can I get through this lesson first?

I have no idea how I made it through Monday without tossing many small children out of windows.

::Tuesday::

Blessedly, I had a good long-term substitute. Not too many issues other than I hear she took my job about 5000 times more seriously than I take it. Please know: I’m not complaining or saying this is a bad thing—I’m quite thankful I was given a long-term sub who cared because I’ve worked with ones who don’t, and there simply aren’t, in this world, windows big enough to throw those tools out of. And please know: I’m not saying I don’t take my job seriously; I’m just saying: I don’t take my job as seriously as Ms. L obviously took it.

For example: I had to explain to “J” that his presence would no longer be required during my lunch break. I’m sorry he still doesn’t know his ABC’s and that’s totally great that Ms. L tutored him for the last 3 months while she was supposed to be relaxing, but Ms. S will no longer continue that tradition. Because she’s an English as a Second Language teacher, not a Reading teacher, and J’s vocabulary skills are—as noted during numerous attempts to read books while J interrupts exactly every 6 seconds (to tell us all something that has nothing to do with whatever we’re reading)—impressively developed for a 2nd language learner. And also because you know…that’s just Life, J: tougher than a bucket of nails. Watch more Sesame Street.

In addition, scores of young English learners are devastated to learn Ms. S also won’t be continuing the tradition of a piece of candy as they leave each day. Yes, even if they do GREAT work! Yes, even if they don’t interrupt when someone else is talking and even if they show good friendship skills and manners. It’s just that Ms. S personally doesn’t believe in candy as a punishment/reward system, but also (and mostly): she’ll eat it all when they aren’t looking and get really, really fat.

Then, I have to explain to “K” that, no, if I eat a lot of candy and get fat, I will NOT have another baby—just because a woman is packing on some weight doesn’t automatically mean she’s about to drop a kid. How many women have you said this to, K? And why are you still alive?

::Wednesday::

I think there is something in the air at this place; terrorist-planted mold spores perhaps. Because when I’m at home, I can go a whole day eating just breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But when I get to work? I am overcome by the need to eat continuously and all day long. I specifically feel the need to eat chocolate. When I am working, there is simply not enough chocolate in the WORLD to get me through the day, let alone the next half-hour.

::Thursday::

Oh my god. Seriously: Monday-Wednesday, I thought about throwing my child out a window. Why is it, when I am not working, we can sleep 6 or more hours each night? But when I go live, suddenly we can’t seem to make it to midnight? The cruelest joke is the 4 AM wakeup: if I have to get up at 5 AM to get myself (plus one baby) ready for the day and it’s already 4, why even go back to sleep?

Wednesday evening, Melissa and I have a serious discussion about this situation, during which she blows spit bubbles and proceeds to gag up copious amounts of formula. This is followed by much screaming and a bath. Then? She sleeps from 9 PM-4:30AM. Thursday morning, I feel hopeful, refreshed, well-rested, and in love with my kid again. Clearly, my child is an advanced learner. Or terrified Mommy will throw her out a window.

::Friday::

I work at a school with a large (over 75%) population of disadvantaged/low socio-economic, highly transient, and overwhelmingly non-English proficient students. But more importantly, I have car rider duty each morning. This is the part where we stand around in the wind, rain, and cold with our earmuffs on and coffees in our hands, saying in way-too-cheerful-for-7:00AM-voices things like “good morning!” or “Happy Friday!” or “have a great day!” to children who refuse to return our greetings or even look at us. These children are probably like this because their mommies and daddies are often too busy on their cell phones to say good-bye, or kiss them, or tell them to have a good day as they drop them off.

Also, why do these people not clean out their cars? I mean, I’m not the world’s neatest car owner, but I think if the Burger King bags, the candy wrappers, and (dear god) the beer cans were piling up so much that—each time a door opened—something went flying out, I’d eventually find the will to drag a trash can outside and empty the vehicle. Then I could start fresh, maybe at McDonald’s this time.

This is why, today? When one little Kindergarten girl arrived (with an extremely furry little puppy hopping around the backseat), jumped out of her car (with the most delightful look on her face) and screamed, “Good morning, teachers! Look at my new puppy! His name is Picasso and he has LOTS of hair!” my heart filled with joy. And when I saw the Fifth grade boy walking in with not one but TWO very large chapter books with a ton of pages, my heart was hopeful and happy; we simply don’t see that very much where I work.

.......We do see lots of gameboys though, whenever we confiscate them. Also, wheelies. We confiscate a lot of wheels that go to wheelies, typically after the person has been caught attempting to skate down a stairwell. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to put frickin’ wheels on the bottom of little kids’ sneakers? There’s a special window in hell for that yahoo to get thrown out of.

And so, today on Friday, I resolved to focus on little girls with puppies named Picasso, and big boys who love books. This will get me through the rest of January. I am not sure how I will make it through February, though thankfully it's the shortest month because March always seems very long. But then there’s Spring Break in April, and the end-of-year high stakes test when we return. Followed by May, the month of glorified babysitting. Since a 9 month curriculum has been taught in 8 months and there is nothing left to teach really, except for the fun stuff not on the test. You know, fun stuff like Rainforests and Oceans and Summer Safety; things that make kids want to come to school to learn. Remember when school was fun? When you could teach all those valuable reading, writing, 'rithmetic skills, yet still find time to incorporate art projects, field trips, thematic learning units, AND recess? Kids these days simply don’t seem to feel that same kind of joy as they rote memorize skills for a test.

It's why the month of May is the best month of school, in my opinion. But dear lord, please don't tell any politicians I said that--they'll make up some grand new how-to-fix-public-education-during-the-month-of-May-but-not-dot-all-our-i's-or-cross-all-our-t's-so-it-actually-works bill to muck it up.