one hot mess.

This blog post will have no theme, no direction, and no cohesiveness. Try to keep up. There may be a quiz at the end.

1-My husband cracks me up. It's one of the reasons I know we're soul mates--he makes me LAUGH! Some brief background: Charles is the gayest straight man I know. If it weren't for his hot blooded lust for Carmen Electra and masculine testosterone-driven sports fanaticism, I'd be a little worried about the amount of time he spends watching the Food Network, HGTV, coordinating his wardrobe, collecting Pampers coupons, bitching about how fake Oprah Winfrey is, and hating on all the successful black female celebrities in general.

The other day, out of the blue, he turned to me and said, "Tyra Banks is such a bimbo."

"Huh?" I said. "Why do you think Tyra Banks is such a bimbo?"

"Because. She just is. I'm going to write a letter to Tyra and tell her."

"And do you think Tyra Banks is really going to care what you think about her?"

"Oh yeah. When Tyra gets my letter, it's going to mess her up. I'm going to wreck her world."

And that pretty much sums up my day-to-day reality, 24/7.

2-I keep lists in my head. At any one time, I have--on average--about 6-7 different running lists going on up there. It's no wonder I can't remember why I left one room and entered another (this happens, generally, at least twice a day). Sometimes I have a Work To Do list up there. Other days it's a Target or a grocery store list. Sometimes it's a list of things I want to write about. Or what I'd do with $500 million if I won the lottery. Where I'd like to travel abroad first. That sort of thing.

The 3 lists that are constantly in my head, though, are the following.

*You're On Notice

*You're in Deep Poo Poo With Me

*Dead to Me

It takes a lot to get on the Dead to Me list. I think I only have about 5 people in the world on it; you really have to work hard to get on Amy's DTM list--I'm a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chance giver. The other 2 are interchangeable, and sometimes people move back and forth between the two all day long.

I also have a Most Favorite People in the World list. And there are sub categories, like Most Favorite Spiritual People; Most Favorite Internet Friends; Most Favorite Gossip Hound People; People I Most Want to Dress/Act/Speak Like. Sometimes people make all my lists at one time.

It's so ironic and sad to me that I do this to people. I hate it when people categorize me, and yet I do it to others. Jesus would be very frown-y about this, because that was his cardinal rule: don't do it, if you don't like people to do it to you. I think it just makes me feel more in control of my surroundings. And also in control of other people. You might be someone I really want to be today, but tomorrow? It's entirely possible you'll be on my On Notice list if you forget my birthday.

I really don't know why people even hang out with me, quite frankly. Everybody is welcome to place me on their On Notice lists.

3-I've been blog and website spelunking. I have become complacent and lazy with my writing, and I find that I write most often (and best) when I'm regularly in the company of others who write. Here are some amazingly cool blogs/websites I've found that I think you should visit (if you write) (or even if you don't, because these are all fabulous, funny, wise people who you should be soaking up at least weekly):

Patresa (who I've known for a few years now and is on my list of Most Favorite People in the World--after Patresa and I met for lunch last year, I said to myself: That P! If I lived next door to her in Iowa, we'd have her and her husband over for barbeques every summer. And in the winters, we'd sit inside drinking coffee, talking writers workshop while our husbands sweated their asses off shoveling snowy driveways) (Patresa has never made my On Notice list. No, not even one time! But one day, Patresa Hartman will be a literary force to be reckoned with, and then she'll be on my People to Call for Favors list.)

Kat (who I've known off and on for a couple of years now via Patresa, and I'm so very excited for her because her novel Virginia Kate is being published. Except it's not being called Virginia Kate, it's being called Tender Graces. But that's okay, because Virginia Kate is still the protagonist and Kat is a superb writer who will sell a billion copies of her book.)

Angie (who I've just discovered through Kat. Angie's blog makes me smile out loud. Yes! Right out loud. Angie says she likes to find blogs/websites that peel her apples, and that's exactly how I felt when I found her blog).

Kevin (who I discovered through Erin, who I think discovered me through my friend Margy's writer moms' blog...see how the internet/blog thing works? It's all about connecting with people. So you can put them on lists in your head) (E, you're on my Top Favorite Internet Friends list, and Kevin, you're on my Top Favorite Internet Writers list) (for the record: Kevin is a dad who writes beautiful, lyric blog entries that should be re-drafted and revised and then flung out into the world for mass consumption).

And, if you're a teacher? And/or you love kids? I demand you check out Beth's blog. Beth makes me LAUGH! If I worked with Beth, we would sit and gossip for hours about the parents and kids that give public education a bad name. And some of the teachers, too. But mostly: the parents and kids.

There are other writerly and/or motherly websites I've hit gold with. They're over on my right sidebar under "Writer Ashrams."

4-I would like to start a Writers Ashram. Except I don't think I want to have my Writers Ashram in Atlanta. I feel like a Writers Ashram should be located high up in the mountains, or on a beach. I would keep my Writer's Ashram very small, limited to no more than 10 people. Because we would all stay together in a cabin, or a small beach house. I would bring lots of wine, chocolate, and coffee. During the day, we would abscond to our solitary writing and thinking pursuits. At night, we would come together to bake and cook and drink. We would share our most favorite pieces of writing and poetry--our own and others'--over food and drink.

I actually had a dream about this one night, several months ago. Except I don't think I was in charge of that ashram. And there seemed to be several different houses involved, for some reason. It was very confusing.

I'm going to ruminate on this some more.

5-The other day, my mother told me she had a dream that I'd published a children's book. It was red, blue, and yellow, and the publisher was U Dun It. Ever since then, I've been meaning to google U Dun It and see if there's an actual vanity book publisher by that name. Because if there is, apparently, I must get to work right away. Because U Dun It is going to publish my first book (after I pay them to), and that book is going to become so popular that--according to my mother's dream--Random House is going to personally contact me to write my 2nd children's book for them.

6-I wonder if a children's book about gentle vampires would go over well? Because vampires seem to be all the rage right now.

7-I can't believe I did 3 blogs in one weekend.