2008 christmas thoughts (with sidetracking).

technically, i am on blog hiatus right now (see right sidebar), due to erratic nervous systems (mine and small girl's...correction: mine due to small girl's) (fyi: i have discovered my erratic nervous system responds well to wine) (fyi 2: small girl's only responds to shushing sounds and lots of pats on back which ultimately end up with a bottle in her mouth followed by a comatose state, which typically is on my chest) (i feel confident this behavior indicates she, too, will have a stress system that responds well to glass(es) of wine...in about 21 years. of course).

still. it's christmastime, and i've had a few things on my mind i'd like to get all christmas-y about, if anyone is still reading this blog. or interested. or bored, with nothing better to do...which would most likely be why you're here, reading this blog. if you even are. and if you are, why? go outside! get some fresh air. you'll give yourself a brain aneurysm reading this blog.

but also because, well...there's no need to be afraid. at christmastime, we let in the light and banish shade. and in our world of plenty? we can spread a smile of joy, so throw your arms around the world (at christmastime). as sir bob geldof likes to say. or, if it's 1984 and boy george is free, sing.

...of course, sir bob geldof then makes boy george follow that by singing about a bunch of other stuff that's not so happy, like about how even when you're having fun at christmastime, there's a a world of dread and fear right outside your window and there won't be snow in africa this year; so thank god it's them instead of you.

where was i? christmastime, africa, snow, spreading joy, baby jesus, the war on christmas, putting the christ back in christmas (like this: Xmas)--yes! here is where i was: i've had a few things on my mind to get christmas-y about, and so i will share (and then my plan is to return at the end of january (2009), with a hugely entertaining feat d'accompli (or, as some might say: big ass update). i may even have one celebrity endorsement, though i will not say what level of celebrity i will be able to secure. i will also have, most likely, several glasses of wine either in me or next to me as i create my big ass feat d'accompli.

here are my thoughts:

***i am thinking heavily of my friend anne right now. i will not go into her full story here, but i think about her at least 1 hour of each day because i've gone through much of what she's recently been through, and i want her to know she's going to be okay. and being alone is not the same as lonely, even if your dog is psychotic.

each hour i think about anne, i wrap her in light and ask the universe to somehow help her know: she's going to be okay.


***i can't wait until 1 year from now, when melissa is cognizant of the world around her, and we can take her through lake lanier's magical night of lights so she can see how beautiful christmas is (and laugh with me at lake lanier's lame attempt at cultural religious diversity through their lonely little lighted menorah that was obviously thrown in as an afterthought....or due to an intense need to avoid the ACLU's legal scrutiny), and then go watch lake lanier's nativity story (during which her father will make jokes about what shepherds REALLY do to their flocks at night, followed by judging everyone around him (how they've dressed, how they walk, etc) in a very un-christmas-y/not-jesus-friendly-at-all way).

she will not require therapy for any of this until she turns 5. we hope.

***know what else i can't wait for? i cannot WAIT to get back to work. i never thought i'd say it, but it's true: i can't wait to work again. i'm not good at being a stay at home mom--i spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about troubled friends too deeply, reading way too many vampire books (this will be further explained in january), and generally sitting around on the sofa all day holding a small infant begging god to shut her up for at LEAST 3 hours, it's all i need.

.......PLEASE god, JUST 3 hours okay? OKAY??? what? do i need to sacrifice a damn goat for you or something? what the hell do you WANT from me?? is this payback for that one time (okay, 20 times) i played sunday school hooky??? listen! i already did penance for that 9 years ago when i gave that creepy guy steve from douglasville 7 months of my valuable time; we've gone over this a billion times. dude! you are SUCH a bitch when you get old testament.

and so, thank you, baby jesus. thank you for eventually shedding your blood to save all of humanity, but mostly, thank you for daycare centers and jobs. god bless ye merry gentlemen!

***something else i never thought i'd say/do: i am (dear god, help me, but not in a way that will require me to sacrifice goats and/or date dippy dudes from douglasville who cheat on me with fundamentalist christian chicks and then who suddenly find religion and turn around and pray for ME when i express heathen, pagan displeasure at that type of behavior and general lack of good character, not to mention the breakage of a 10th commandment or two)...gasp for air....

...i am now turning into one of those mothers who not only carries around 10,000,000,000 pictures of her child but also whips them out at any opportunity and forces others (who may or may not find her child as cutely endearing and fascinating as she does) to look at them. just ask my teacher friends, who endured at least 2 hours of this at the christmas party ms. w threw for us at her lovely home recently. also, i brought my kid to the party, so it wasn't like they couldn't just...LOOK at her and get the same effect.

***i am also thinking about where the horror of motherhood comes in:

i was flipping through a magazine the other day and saw pictures of the toddler who was saved by his nanny in the mumbai terrorist attack, but whose parents were both murdered. did you know that, after you have a child of your own, all children begin to look alike, that you can actually see your own child in the faces of other children? that, when you see a child smile, their face looks just like your child's when she smiles...even if her smiles may or may not be gas and who really freaking cares anyway because she's so dang cute when she does it? and when another child's face is scrunched up in tears, screaming for his mother who was gunned down simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong and simply for being a member of the wrong religion, his face looks just like your child's when she's screaming...even if your child has the luxury of screaming just for the sake of screaming to scream?

all children--no matter what their skin, hair, or eye color, their culture or religion--all children look very, very alike after you've spent so many hours watching your own sleeping.

this is not something i ever thought i'd experience; i mean, i've worked with needy children for almost 14 years now and i do have a deep amount of compassion for most of them all the time, and all of them most of the time. but when you have your OWN child, you begin to think heavily about the things in the world that can cause her pain before she reaches the age of consent, and i'm finding this uncovers a large number of intense feelings i was never aware i possessed until now:

....agony at seeing a child on the other side of the world in pain because he doesn't understand why his mommy can't come back...simply because he looks so much like mine when she's having a mere gas attack.

...this is followed by rage that adults do this, and that we all simply sit back and let it happen, just
talk about it endlessly on the news and make threats...or worse, turn around and do it back to them.

...and that is followed by despair that some of us actually are the cause behind it happening: terrorists...some of whom are parents themselves...deciding to blow themselves--and everyone else around them--up with bombs. and presidents (and vice presidents)...some of whom are parents themselves...deciding to give the orders to drop them. on parents of children, and sometimes on children themselves.

i've wondered about the nature of humanity, for a very long time now. but suddenly i find myself with a dilemma: when a child comes to you one day and says she's afraid of monsters, do you calm her fears and tell her they don't exist when, in fact, you know they do? and that some of them have been placed in high levels of power, willingly, by the people? that some of them may even live next door?

but then, i AM a double pisces. and it's essential to double pisceans that we believe in the inherent goodness of humanity, even the ones who love bombs and starting wars so their cronies can get more money. after all, the united states--which for a super long time really, really looked like it was totally headed straight for the biggest crapper in the history of all civilization--DID just manage to pull it together and elect a black man to the presidency. and not just any black man; the united states of america elected a black man with a very brown, very foreign sounding name. who may or may not be able to bring change and hope to reality, but at least inspired enough people to really, really want it...and believe it's possible.

so there is hope. and i suppose i will teach my child about the reality of monsters in the world...but also about hope, and how afraid the monsters are of it. hope is a monster's kryptonite, really.

this is why, in spite of some of my irreverent (some might call these: blasphemous, and headed-straight-for-hell) jesus/god jokey jokes, i hope each person who reads this will feel the way i do every christmas/christmas eve: quiet and magical...maybe with SILENT NIGHT playing in the background...wishing every night could be christmas eve, with gingerbread smells and beautiful trees and neighbors who go ass crazy with the christmas lights...except for that one house in the next neighborhood--what is UP with those people, sticking a big ass lighted sign in their yard (between a 10 foot Frosty the Snowman balloon character and a metal nativity scene lit in neon blue) that says: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS REPENT SINNERS!!!

...but also thinking about all the babies in the world who may not feel the need to repent--not just because they don't believe in jesus, but also because they're in pain: their mommy and daddy were gunned down because of someone else's fanatical beliefs and those people's psychotic need to show the world just how tough they are, how fabulously righteous their agendas are over everyone else's....and i'll be thinking about how we should respond to people who behave like psychotic monsters--do we show them how tough we are, how fabulously righteous our agendas are over theirs? do we gun down their mommies and daddies? do we bomb their babies while they're asleep? because we're so much better and more righteous?

....or do we do what a baby who grew up to be a deeply spiritual man 2000 years ago told us we should do? can we be the bigger person; turn the other cheek? because it's really easy to pick up a gun or build a bomb and detonate it...but i think what the baby who grew up to be a deeply spiritual man was trying to teach everyone is that true power is in knowing you can, and then choosing not to; that choosing forgiveness over revenge and hope over anger is always a miracle. baby jesus' christmas message is that hate isn't the opposite of love; fear is. and grown up jesus' message was that fear was a lie. if you know god is in charge, then what are you actually afraid of?

and so. this december 24 and 25, 2008, i'll be thinking about how babies are miracles, and how sometimes they can grow up to teach the entire world--for millenia after they've gone--about real miracles and all the possibilities. i'll be thinking about one baby who didn't just tell us about our potential--he actually showed us by example.

...of course, i'll be thinking all these deep, peaceful, spiritually important thoughts while intensely ignoring strange people with odd lighted signs in their yards who totally abuse that baby's ideas now in completely trashy ways that would totally make oprah winfrey cringe and send her gay interior decorator friend Nate Berkus running over to do a surprise holiday landscape makeover. i hope those strange people don't try to make nate feel bad about the fact he's gay when he knocks on their door. he can't help that he's gay any more than they can help the fact they think neon blue and lime green go together and are good Christmas colors (they are, in fact, not--Leviticus 15:24 says so, and it's punishable by stoning).

but even though there are people who abuse the baby's ideas, name, and image politically, religiously, AND through inappropriate color coordination, it's still nice to celebrate that baby's birthday, because that baby can't help what strange people do in his name thousands of years later, any more than mohammed can help what strange people do in his name, though they do seem to have a better sense of decor about it...with or without oprah's intervention.

that's what i think christmas is about--just like the thought when it comes to getting presents, it's not how you celebrate, or what you believe, or even if your religious beliefs tell you a baby was born 2000 years ago who came to save your soul. it's the message that matters, no matter who you are. and the potential...actually, i think it's particularly about the potential. for the entire world; not just christians....for all year long; not just december 25.

see? miracles.

we hope all of you have at least one miracle in 2008 and/or 2009.


merry christmas

love,

amy