que sera, sera (or: the anthem of the slacker)

I've been thinking about what type of mother I will be (will i be pretty? will i be rich? here's what she said to me: que sera, sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera). I'm about to read Confessions of a Slacker Mom and Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay because I've been researching the different types of mom styles you can choose from now as a modern woman of the 2000's. Did you know there are many different "types" of moms? I did not. I mean, I knew there were soccer moms and Katie Holmes wannabe moms, but I had no idea there was actually a huge menu-like variety of moms, but it's true. And now that I'm learning them all, I'm pretty sure the terms Slacker and Chardonnay are going to fit me like a comfortable pair of old shoes when the time comes.

For example. So far, I've learned that I could choose to be a Gap Mom. A Gap mom is the New Motherhood's answer to a Stepford Wife. They like: soccer stickers on their cars, dressing up and looking like Barbie, driving to the mall in luxury model SUVs with those MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT stickers on them, and they live in perfect brick houses, preferably in cul-de-sacs. They revere Martha Stewart and love to throw lavish dinner parties that involve black ties and oddly-named appetizers. But I cannot be a Gap Mom, because sometimes I go 3-4 weeks without getting a pedicure or my nails done, and I'm constantly in need of fresh highlights. Martha Stewart freaks me out, and we couldn't afford a brick house in or out of a cul-de-sac. Also, I usually have to really force myself not to make mean faces at cars with those snotty MY KID'S BETTER THAN YOUR KID types of stickers on them. Also, most clothing from the Gap doesn't fit me and hasn't for several years now.

There are Uber Moms. Uber moms do it ALL: take the kid to soccer, then to ballet, then to gymnastics, then to baseball practice. After they've finished that, they go home and cook 3 course gourmet meals that they also clean up, and by 9 PM they've made sack lunches for all 15 people in their house for tomorrow. They get up at 5 AM, mop the kitchen floor, bathe the dog, feed the baby, and are carpooling their child and 4 other neighbor children to school by 7 AM. And they're always freshly showered, with nice clothes and perfect make up. And they make love to their husbands 6 nights a week.

Uber moms scare the crap out of me. I don't even think they're human beings.

You know who else scares the crap out of me? The Alpha Mom. Unlike the Uber Mom, the Alpha Mom doesn't just DO it all, she KNOWS it all. She can quote the latest child psychology reports at any moment while burping a baby, making dinner, researching the newest educational toys, and typing up the financial report her boss doesn't need until 3 weeks from now. And Corporate/Capitalist America digs the Alpha Moms...because the Alpha Moms tell all the Uber Moms and the Gap Moms what they SHOULD be doing and where they NEED to shop at.

There are Hippie Moms, the ones who join up with the intense, cult-ish types from La Leche League. Hippie moms insist on breast feeding their offspring until their offspring are ready to enter high school, sometimes college. The more militant ones like to say their child is "on the tit" and get loudly upset when store managers ask them to take their tits to a more private area so other children in the store who AREN'T on the tit don't become psychologically traumatized. Which just makes me laugh and laugh. If a hippie child ingests: sugar, caffeine, anything not organic or Free Trade? That child will surely, surely die. You can always spot a Hippie Mom because she's in Birkenstocks, wearing a Green Peace t-shirt, and there is a baby in a sling at one side and a toddler macking on a breast at the other. Other than my Green Peace t-shirt, I will never, ever be a Hippie Mom. Though I do try to buy Free Trade chocolate and coffee and also recycle as much as possible. And I might get some Birkenstocks at some point--I hear they're super comfy.

The kind that truly worries me are the Martyr Moms, the ones who sacrifice everything for their children...but only to get sympathy and attention. They have ratty hair, dress in sweatpants every day (stained with spit up), and they make big productions out of how devoted they are to their kids; the child comes first if you're a GOOD mom, because GOOD moms center their entire Universe solely around the child. They like to put other mothers down for not doing everything The Martyr Way. They go around boasting about how their children were walking at 4 months old, potty trained by 1, and began reading at 18 months. They are the bane of every teacher's existence and we can always smell them coming a mile away, because their child is special and can do no wrong and everything is the teacher's or another mother's fault. Martyr Moms usually go monkey mental mad the second their offspring learn how to drive and show signs of independence.

And so I'm pretty sure I'll fall quite squarely into the category known as Slacker Mom. Martyr Moms, Hippie Moms, Uber Moms, Alpha Moms, and Gap Moms all seem to operate under the general motto It's all about the children. Slacker moms teach their kids from the get-go: This is my world, and you just live in it...NO, I don't care that that's how Janie's mom does it--Janie's mom is a freaking psycho and I've told you a million times not to tell that woman what we do in our house...what happens at our house STAYS at our house. Especially if Janie's mom is asking.

Yes, children are gifts from Above, and yes, children should be loved and respected for the lovely human being they are being brainwashed by their parents to become...but that doesn't mean Mommy can't head off for a 3 day spa weekend with her girlfriends or a 2 week jaunt through Europe. And if Mommy needs 3 chocolate martinis on a Friday afternoon after a long week of work, the child of a Slacker Mom knows it's time to head off to his/her bedroom to quietly play for at least an hour, or until Mommy gets her wits about her.

Slacker Moms are rogues, rebels. If a Slacker Mom needs to go the mall for a new bra or wants to eat out at that new fancy restaurant downtown? Children of slacker moms know they don't have a choice--they're coming along, and they're coming along QUIETLY or we'll give them something to cry about. Slacker mom kids learn early on to appreciate Mommy's TV and Quiet Book Reading Times, because they're used to the words NO and BECAUSE I'M THE GROWN UP AND SO I GET TO MAKE THE RULES...WHEN YOU GROW UP, THEN YOU CAN MAKE THE RULES. Life is simply not a democracy in a Slacker household--there are far more important things for mommy to worry about...like updating her blog and taking a relaxing bubble bath. With a really large glass of Merlot in one hand.

Slacker moms show up for all parent-teacher meetings, make sure all report cards and other important papers are signed, keep vaccinations up to date, kiss and hug and get teary-eyed at school plays, and they get involved if something of great concern is happening in the child's school or social life. But they generally regard the PTA as overzealous fools with way too many opinions--probably because PTA's are usually run by Uber Moms, Gap Moms, Martyr Moms, and Alpha Moms. Slacker moms can be great friends with Hippie Moms, though...as long as the Hippie Moms don't start lecturing about breast milk benefits or, god forbid, pop out a breast and start feeding an 8 year old in the middle of Target.

And then there are the Over Opinionated Moms. I've been reading some mom blogs here and there, along with some regular blogs that are written by people who happen to be moms...and, judging from some of the posts as well as some of the bitchy comments left for the bloggers? I have to say: I have never seen so many judgmental, whiny people in one area of life. Honestly--and this is coming from someone who was once stalked and harassed online by a Christian fundamentalist because I jokingly suggested God could POSSIBLY be a She (which I stand by, to this day; there are numerous examples supporting my theory. but that's another blog, for another day).

The Working Moms think the Stay At Home Moms are wasting themselves. The Stay At Home moms think the Working Moms are selfishly destroying their children's sense of security. The Formula Feeders don't see what the big deal is about breast feeding. The Breast Feeders think the Formula Feeders are destroying their children's immune systems, thus murdering their offspring. There are pro-baby ear piercers, and anti-baby ear piercers...pro-family bed sharers, and anti-family bed sharers. There's a whole faction that thinks you must constantly hold your child or, one day, your child will axe murder the entire family while you're sleeping.

Here is what I think: Do what you want. If you feel great being a Gap Mom and the resident MILF, go for it. If breast feeding until 16 years old is what you need to do to feel fulfilled and you don't mind footing the astronomical psychiatry bills surely headed your way a few years later, then have at it, Milk Mama. And while you're being your version of Perfect Earth Mother, get the eff off other mothers' backs about their versions.

Plus also, with kids? There's always therapy when they're grown ups to fix whatever the parents screwed up. That's why Freud invented Modern Psychiatry. Well, that, and he was obsessed with his penis. There is no perfect way to do anything, and there are no perfect mothers or fathers. And so if mothers are going to bully and belittle each other in an effort to prove that there IS one perfect way to do it, because they're absolutely positive the way THEY do it is so much better, then those mothers can just...bite my slacker mom, choco-tini loving ass.

You know what sucks about being pregnant? NO, it's not the hormones! It's that right now I'd give almost anything for a big glass of chardonnay. And some candy apple jelly shots . But not in that order.