book porn.

Apologies for the weird spacing/font/size. Apparently, this is what happens when you type in Word, then copy and paste to blogger. You'd think Bill Gates would work on that, but noooo...he's way too busy spending his billions of dollars taking over world technology.

Also, I stole this book meme from someone's blog--I don't remember who. But whoever you are, thank you. And if you'd like to steal it from me, you can. And you can claim you don't know me, too.

1) What book are you reading right now?

The Gathering by Anne Enright. It’s okay, but it’s one of those books that are just…okay. I WISH question no. 1 was: What book did you just finish reading? Because then my answer could be The God of Animals by Aryn Kyle. That book was way more than okay; that book was Man! I think Aryn Kyle is such a bitch because she can write WAY better than me and I can’t even put her stupid book down it’s so good. Crap.

2) What is the fourth sentence on page 133 of that book?
The Gathering: I was back to school runs and hoovering and ringing other-mothers for other-mother things, like play dates, and where to buy Rebecca's Irish dancing shoes.

The God of Animals: What people wanted, what they thought their lives would be, it crashed to pieces when they fell in love.

See? I bet you just couldn’t stop reading the 4^th sentence on page 133 of The God of Animals either. ..........ok, ok, ok!! The sentence I used was actually the 6th sentence from the 133rd page of The God of Animals. But that's only because the 4th sentence on p. 133 is: "Love." And that's it. Now how was THAT going to back up my opinion about how it's a better book and you should read it before you read THE GATHERING? Huh??

.......listen! This blog is about ME and what books I like. Go do your OWN book meme.

3) What is one book that changed your life?

For this question, most people will answer: The Bible, or some other religious tome of historic significance. If you’re Tom Cruise, you might mention an L. Ron Hubbard book. But not me. No. I’m going with Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice. Because nothing says hot readin’ like books about the bloodsucking living dead with cat eyes and sharp fangs.

4) What is one book that you read again and again?

Other than one summer when I was 15 and I became strangely absorbed by Heathcliff and Catherine’s world in Wuthering Heights and read it about 20 times, I find I really can’t read books again and again. I have this weird thing about books and endings…in my daily life, I’d give anything to know how something will end, so I can prepare. But in my book/movie life, if someone tells me the ending before I get there, I want to punch them where the sun don’t shine. When I read a book more than once, I get that same need to punch someone where the sun don’t shine; but I usually don’t have anyone around to punch except me. And that would be gross. …unless you have a fetish about that kind of stuff and it turns you on. And then YOU’RE kind of gross. I think.

I will confess that I’m a hypocrite about re-reading books. Sometimes at school I’ll be about to read a book to a group of kids their teacher read to them last week (or 3 months ago…kids have long memories when it comes to books they’ve been read) (but short memories about things like: “what sound do the letters b and r make together?”) and when they start complaining, I just poo poo them and say: “Hey kids! You stop that! Good books are MEANT to be read again and again. That’s what makes books special—you can read them 10 times and STILL find something new and fun about the story.”

Goofy kids! I’m just bs’ing them. They’ll figure it out in high school.

5) What three books would you want on a desert island?

Wuthering Heights (for the Heathcliff/Catherine daydream fantasies), The Da Vinci Code (so I could use it as firewood), and Interview with a Vampire (because it’s a life changing book, yo).

6) What is the funniest book you've ever read?

Any one of David Sedaris’s books. That man can make me laugh and LAUGH!

7) What book made you cry the most?

Any one of David Sedaris’s books. That man is on crack when he writes, and they’re so funny I pee my pants (and cry my butt off) laughing.

8) What book do you wish had been written?

How about what book do I wish had NOT been written? Easy: The Da Vinci Code. We’ll discuss why further down.

9) What would be the title of your autobiography?

Confessions of a Neurotic Eurotrash Whore: The Life and Times of a Southern Yankee on the Edge.

10) What book do you keep meaning to read?
One time, in 9^th grade, I tried to read Vanity Fair. I don’t remember why; I was probably thinking of the magazine and hoping they were similar. They are not, in case you're wondering.

Also, I tried to read Anna Karenina once, because Oprah said to. I stopped listening to Oprah’s opinions on books after that Anna Karenina fiasco.

11) What five books should everyone be required to read?

--I think everyone should read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss, because this book will teach you to be less judgmental, especially when it comes to oddly colored food.

--Then move on to Ish by Peter H. Reynolds because this book teaches you that you don’t have to be perfect. ANYONE can be an artist if they really put their heart into it.

--Next, head over to Judy Blume’s Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret because this book will teach you that you can talk to God. I mean, He’ll usually ignore you, but that’s His plan, Stan: to keep you talking until you figure your own self out (you see, He keeps your mind going and going until you’ve got yourself figured out, then? woohoo! one less problem for God!) (you know, it’s not like He doesn’t have a butt load of other crap to worry about, what with terrorism, famine, poverty, nuclear bombs, Anne Coulter's mouth, and Dick Cheney still plotting to rule the world).

--After that, read East of Eden by John Steinbeck, because this will teach you about good and evil. But I suggest you just skip the first 30 pages because those are just John going on and on and on and oh my god ON about what California looked like in the '30's. Snoooore, John. Snore.

--And when you’ve gotten through all of THOSE, read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, because she will tell you where to find good Italian food the next time you’re in Italy (and how to grieve over a failed relationship), how to do yoga and meditate while in India (and how to get out of your own head), and where to find excellent Balinese medicine men (and how to let go and love again).

12) What book was the biggest waste of your time?

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. I really can’t even start talking about it; I'll just upset myself. It wasn’t even the material the book covered, it was the WAY it covered it. One hundred chapters? Of four pages each?? Really, Dan? Really??

I know lots of people loved this book. They thought it was fast-paced and an easy read. So I know I’m going to sound really snotty and insulting here, but I don’t care--I’m just going to come right out with it: the reason lots of people loved the easy read/fast pace of this book is because it was written on a 4^th grade level. Don’t be mad at me if this applies to you; I’m not knocking 4^th grade level books…I’m just bitter that an adult with the literary skills of a 4^th grader got his book published and I can’t PAY someone to publish one of my 7^th grade level essays.

All through this book, in the space of one paragraph, Dan will use the same word 10 times—TEN times ("She was a small nun...He looked down at Sister Marguerite; she was a small woman...Doing away with the nun wasn't hard because she was so small.") (Dan needed a thesaurus...if Dan had used a thesaurus, he'd know more words to put in his book...A thesaurus would've really made Dan's book better).

I mean, it’s probably calling the kettle black because god knows I have no ability to be concise, but I found this entire book just obnoxious. OBNOXIOUS. Which is why, later, it was turned into such a successful summer blockbuster at the movies. That's how Hollywood works.

{sigh} Now see?? You SEE??? LOOK at me! Five minutes ago I wrote: “I really can’t even talk about it…” and here we are, I'm totally seething, and you are STILL reading about it. I just need to stop right here, before I petition the Taliban to jihad Dan Brown’s ass.

13) What was your favorite book as a child?

The Velveteen Rabbit (which taught me beloved stuffed animals are REAL) (behind your back)

The Wizard of Oz (I still want to BE Dorothy)

The Little Match Girl (My childhood horror tale…similar to Stephen King’s The Shining, only for little kids)

14) Is there any book's ending that you would like to rewrite? What would you change about the original ending?

This will really offend the more strident Christians out there, and while I’m not exactly apologizing (I’ll be blunt: I’m one of God’s favorite little headaches, and I’m more than happy to be one of yours, too), I will make concessions that The Bible can be a wonderful source of great comfort and wisdom in a confusing, troubled world.

However. I’d really like to re-write the entire Book of Revelations. It’s just terribly confusing to me, with monsters with these 10 heads and some virgin getting raped and angry angels wielding trumpet-swords, and death squads on white horses running around. Snakes! and blood! and death! Oh my!

Honestly, now what does all that have to do with the Bush Administration’s policies regarding Al-Qaeda and the War on Terror ™? And where is Oprah Winfrey in this book? I hear she’s the 21^st century’s new Anti-Christ, according to some Christian groups. I’m very disappointed in the ancient scroll writers of Revelations—you’d think they’d have at least known about Oprah and what kind of influence over future generations of the New World she was going to have. Everybody else here does.

Plus also, after Jesus’ crucifixion and that Judas Iscariot guy hanging himself because of it, The Bible just needs a MUCH more uplifting end to it. What freaking downer-type guy in the ancient church decided to end the entire Bible on a note like Revelations?? Someone who probably read The Little Match Girl one too many times, that’s who.